You are more than the sum of your past mistakes

Do you ever feel like your life is flying at the speed of light and there’s nothing you can do to slow it down? 

That’s how I feel right about now. It’s all really great stuff that is going on, but it all is just happening wayyy too fast… I mean did I just really complete my senior year of high school? Am I really heading to college in just 7 short weeks? It’s all soooo crazy. 

This past year has probably, no it’s definitely, been the best year of my life. I mean I started out a senior in high school so I was at the top of my game, or so I thought. When I say this was the best year of my life, by no means do I mean that this was the easiest year of my life. This probably ranks in the top 5 hardest years, in fact. Like I said, I started this year off at what I thought was the top of my game. I was a senior, my friends and I were ready to finally be the top of the food chain at school. Youth group was fantastic! I was a senior on the worship band and even though there were only 3 of us, I was worshipping Christ with my best friends. My relationship with God was probably the  best it’s ever been. I settled into a very nice routine and geared up for the most anticipated year of my life. I went to youth group every Tuesday night and the messages started hitting me and I was really convicted. I started to get more and more miserable because I was fighting God and my own sinful nature at the same time… The battle was tough and I was most definitely losing it, on both sides. God started to feel more and more distant and I began to listen to those voices in my head that told me I was worthless. My self-esteem was at an all time low… I knew that God was an all-forgiving, all-loving God, but I couldn’t forgive myself, I didn’t love myself. I was depressed and I was really really good at hiding it. 

Then came the winter retreat at Spofford, the retreat that I almost didn’t go on, but the retreat that saved my life. Pastor Mike announced the retreat and I decided I wasn’t going to go because I wanted to save up my money for Nationals. God knew what He was doing (just like he always does…) and he arranged the finances for my trip. I was thrilled that I got to go because I love Spofford. I mean it’s Spofford, who doesn’t love it? I had no idea what God had in store for me that weekend. I went and I knew after the first message that I was in for a good weekend. The speaker was fantastic and I was just really excited. We talked about how Christ was the only thing that could fulfill us. We talked about finding our identity in Christ. We talked about how we are loved Children of the King. I was broken, sobbing, and so in need of my Savior. Satan really worked his butt off that weekend making me feel like crap. My sinful nature was at work. I knew that God loved me and that He had forgiven me. I knew it, I’d accepted it, but I couldn’t extend that same grace to myself. I used to say ‘Who could love you?’ or ‘How could you expect that of someone else when you are so much worse?’ I couldn’t breathe. It was like someone had filled my lungs with water and I was drowning in my own despair. 

I feel like that is the same problem that a lot of people have. I feel like, especially those of us who have grown up in a Christian home, we hear all the time about how God is forgiving, and loving, and gracious. He absolutely is, I’m not saying that he isn’t at all. I just feel that we hear it so much that it loses the awe factor behind it, at least it did for me. I knew it, I could recite it, I even had verses that could back it up. The part that was lost on me the most was the extending grace to myself. Pastor Mike really challenged me to do this. It changed my entire life. I realized that I missed the point of God’s grace. Not only had He forgiven me, He cast my sins as far as the East is from the West. That means that they don’t exist anymore! When God looks at me He doesn’t see some broken sinner, He sees a forgiven, completely cleansed child of the King! He loves me! I could just shout this makes me so excited! I could feel his forgiveness in my fingers and my toes. I know it sounds silly, but I could just feel it. It was all consuming, shout-worthy forgiveness and I was beyond excited! God was enough for me. He was in control of my hopes and dreams, my fears and worries. I knew that God would be enough for me for a lifetime. Even if nothing else went the way that I hoped I knew that God would be enough for me. 

I’m not saying that I am so in love with myself now and that I am always so ready to shout about my forgiveness. It’s still a struggle. My sinful nature still has a hold on me sometimes, but the thing I’ve learned to do is to pray. Stop whatever I’m doing, when I feel myself start falling again I pray. It does wonders. I know that God has to have control of all my thoughts and that’s what praying over every bad thought does. It gives him control. 

After that weekend I could feel my life get better. God had control and even though it was a stressful year, God taught me so many things. He taught me about forgiveness, patience, love, and soooo many other things. This year has been hard, but I wouldn’t trade it in for anything. I am who I am right now because of this year. This blog entry exists because of this year. 

And just so you know this year has not been all bad at all! I mean I was a senior in high school, I had some really neat opportunities to share Christ with a lot of people in school, I went to prom and got asked in a really awesome way  , I graduated high school, and I got a boyfriend who I happen to be pretty fond of  . So ya, it’s been a pretty fantastic year   

I just really felt lead to share this with you because even if one  person can experience the same thing that I did than it would all be worth it. I want you to know just how MUCH God LOVES YOU!! <3 and I do too