If you had told me a year ago that this is where I would be, I would have told you that you that you were crazy.
Not at Liberty University, because I was and still am confident that this is where God wants me. I mean if you had told me that I would be where I am relationship, Spiritually, mentally, maturity-wise I seriously would have doubted your sanity.
Last year at this time, I was just finishing my first semester here at Liberty. I was a Psychology major. I was in love and I was confident that I had life all figured out.
Seriously...I can't type that without laughing and I feel like God looked down at me this time last year, shook His head, and said..."My precious bride, you are missing ME. I love you. Passionately. Unconditionally. I want to pursue you, so let me. Give me your life and your plans. I am your eternal husband. Love me first. I have so much more in store for you than you'll ever imagine."
If only I had listened last year.....
I'm going to be very candid right now. Last year, I was on shaky grounds with God. I believed He existed, I knew that He loved me. I just felt so dry spiritually and I felt like a failure because I was at a school where, at every turn, you encounter Christ. Whether it be through people, a convo speaker, campus church, or someone on leadership, Jesus was everywhere and I couldn't see Him. Rather, I didn't want to. I was in a major losing battle with the Holy Spirit and it left me weary and spiritually thirsty because I was so far from the strength and love of Jesus. I was clinging so tightly to the plan that I had for my life that I failed to see what a disaster I was and how far from the Will of God my "perfect" life plan was.
I felt like I was drowning spiritually. I wanted to have a fire and desire for Christ, and I just didn't. I would fake it. Ya know, the whole fake it 'til ya make it deal, but still I was empty. I quickly realized that my "faking" it could fool those around me, but I was not fooling myself. or God. I would question why I lacked that passion and fire for God, why I found no joy in my salvation. It was just a "whatever" thing for me and I knew that it was supposed to be more and still I longed to find the deeper joy in all of it.
It wasn't until the second semester of my freshman year that finally the voice of my forever love captured my heart and He hasn't let go. Clayton King in spiritual emphasis week talked about Joseph and how he worshipped God even in his dungeons and how Joseph had a billion and twelve reasons to not trust God, to forsake God, but he didn't. I can't exactly tell you when or what happened in my heart, all I can say is that I know that week God reached down, broke through the hardness that was surrounding my heart and gave me a joy that I cannot explain. A joy that even now I can feel.
Still I lacked what it meant to give over my heart to the true lover of my soul and allowing Him to transform me into the woman that He knows I can be. I still was holding tight to the dreams and plans that I had for my own life and it was another losing battle. I still ended up weary and bruised and sad. The joy that I had discovered or rather had been revealed to me had been robbed from me, by myself. I look back now and I wish that I had heard what God was saying to me. He was beckoning me to "come away with Him". He wanted me to himself so that I could learn and understand the captivating love that He has for me. He wanted me to fall in love with Him first and foremost. I heard, but refused to listen. I convinced myself that God didn't understand. I was so mistaken, because I was the one who did't understand. He is my eternal husband, my forever love, greater than anything that I have ever experienced. So he pulled the rug out from under and took away something that I valued more than anything in my life. Something that I had mistakenly placed as an idol in my life. God called me out into another desert point in my life and offered me water. He gave me a way out. He was the way out. He was longing for me to love him. He was longing to show me his love. All I had to do was ask. I was so broken and lost and confused and somehow he broke through my muddle thoughts and whispered "ask" into my broken heart. So I asked. Begged really. that he would show me Him. I asked him to show me Him everywhere. I arrived at school for this semester and I was still asking.
It was freshman move in day and I was sitting on the steps outside my dorm reading my Bible and praying and asking again that God would show me himself and his love for me. I was praying and then all of the sudden I felt this wind across sweep across me and my hair caressed my face. I realized in that moment that He was everywhere. My one true love was whispering I love you through the wind or painting me a masterpiece in the sky to say the most precious goodnight that I could ever hear or see. Everything around me was a personal love letter from my prince. I just had to open my eyes and see it. As soon as I saw the love that was literally surrounding me, I felt the call to show my love for my Savior. I felt the call to publicly declare my heart's desire to serve Him and to declare my faith publicly to those around me. So I got baptized. At campus church. September 4, 2013.
It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. For a moment, I felt the full impact of my sin once again. The sin that I had left at the foot of the cross last semester, I felt it. I wanted to physically represent to myself what it meant to be redeemed. As I walked into that water I was the thief that hung next to Jesus, I was the soldiers gambling for his clothes. I was the doubter. I was the hypocrite. The pharisee. The unbeliever. When I went down into the water I was dying to myself. I was giving up everything about myself and laying it down at the foot of the cross. When I was raised from the water I felt all the shame and guilt and regret roll off my back with the water and it stayed down. I was overcome with joy and I was so grateful for the savior who went through the pain of crucifixion because he loved me. I was humbled. I still am.
It's been an amazing semester here. I'm still being romanced by my savior. My eternal husband. My forever love. It's an amazing thing, really, to be romanced by the one who created my heart and its longing for love. It's perfect and unlike anything I have ever experienced. No earthly romance will compare to the one that I am apart of now. Jesus gave me a phrase. One to kind of claim as my own. It's "Redeemed. Oh, How I love to proclaim it". I know that it's a song too, but just that one phrase captivates me. I am redeemed and He is asking me and calling me to proclaim and I can't help but to do that.
I am a women's ministry major now. I'm finishing up my first semester of sophomore year. I'm in love with Jesus and so looking forward to what He has for my life.
I should have listened last year because I am happier now than I ever have been. I am so captivated by Jesus and I'm loving every second of our majestic romance.
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