Redeemed. O, How I Love to Proclaim it.

I've been sitting here staring at the blinking cursor on my screen for 20 minutes now trying to figure out where I wanted to start this story.....I guess I'll start with a cliché beginning....because, well, I love cliché. 

If you had told me a year ago that this is where I would be, I would have told you that you that you were crazy.

Not at Liberty University, because I was and still am confident that this is where God wants me. I mean if you had told me that I would be where I am relationship, Spiritually, mentally, maturity-wise I seriously would have doubted your sanity. 

Last year at this time, I was just finishing my first semester here at Liberty. I was a Psychology major. I was in love and I was confident that I had life all figured out. 

Seriously...I can't type that without laughing and I feel like God looked down at me this time last year, shook His head, and said..."My precious bride, you are missing ME. I love you. Passionately. Unconditionally. I want to pursue you, so let me. Give me your life and your plans. I am your eternal husband. Love me first. I have so much more in store for you than you'll ever imagine." 

If only I had listened last year.....

I'm going to be very candid right now. Last year, I was on shaky grounds with God. I believed He existed, I knew that He loved me. I just felt so dry spiritually and I felt like a failure because I was at a school where, at every turn, you encounter Christ. Whether it be through people, a convo speaker, campus church, or someone on leadership, Jesus was everywhere and I couldn't see Him. Rather, I didn't want to. I was in a major losing battle with the Holy Spirit and it left me weary and spiritually thirsty because I was so far from the strength and love of Jesus. I was clinging so tightly to the plan that I had for my life that I failed to see what a disaster I was and how far from the Will of God my "perfect" life plan was. 

I felt like I was drowning spiritually. I wanted to have a fire and desire for Christ, and I just didn't. I would fake it. Ya know, the whole fake it 'til ya make it deal, but still I was empty. I quickly realized that my "faking" it could fool those around me, but I was not fooling myself. or God. I would question why I lacked that passion and fire for God, why I found no joy in my salvation. It was just a "whatever" thing for me and I knew that it was supposed to be more and still I longed to find the deeper joy in all of it. 

It wasn't until the second semester of my freshman year that finally the voice of my forever love captured my heart and He hasn't let go. Clayton King in spiritual emphasis week talked about Joseph and how he worshipped God even in his dungeons and how Joseph had a billion and twelve reasons to not trust God, to forsake God, but he didn't. I can't exactly tell you when or what happened in my heart, all I can say is that I know that week God reached down, broke through the hardness that was surrounding my heart and gave me a joy that I cannot explain. A joy that even now I can feel. 

Still I lacked what it meant to give over my heart to the true lover of my soul and allowing Him to transform me into the woman that He knows I can be. I still was holding tight to the dreams and plans that I had for my own life and it was another losing battle. I still ended up weary and bruised and sad. The joy that I had discovered or rather had been revealed to me had been robbed from me, by myself. I look back now and I wish that I had heard what God was saying to me. He was beckoning me to "come away with Him". He wanted me to himself so that I could learn and understand the captivating love that He has for me. He wanted me to fall in love with Him first and foremost. I heard, but refused to listen. I convinced myself that God didn't understand. I was so mistaken, because I was the one who did't understand. He is my eternal husband, my forever love, greater than anything that I have ever experienced. So he pulled the rug out from under and took away something that I valued more than anything in my life. Something that I had mistakenly placed as an idol in my life. God called me out into another desert point in my life and offered me water. He gave me a way out. He was the way out. He was longing for me to love him. He was longing to show me his love. All I had to do was ask. I was so broken and lost and confused and somehow he broke through my muddle thoughts and whispered "ask" into my broken heart. So I asked. Begged really. that he would show me Him. I asked him to show me Him everywhere. I arrived at school for this semester and I was still asking.  

It was freshman move in day and I was sitting on the steps outside my dorm reading my Bible and praying and asking again that God would show me himself and his love for me. I was praying and then all of the sudden I felt this wind across sweep across me and my hair caressed my face. I realized in that moment that He was everywhere. My one true love was whispering I love you through the wind or painting me a masterpiece in the sky to say the most precious goodnight that I could ever hear or see. Everything around me was a personal love letter from my prince. I just had to open my eyes and see it. As soon as I saw the love that was literally surrounding me, I felt the call to show my love for my Savior. I felt the call to publicly declare my heart's desire to serve Him and to declare my faith publicly to those around me. So I got baptized. At campus church. September 4, 2013. 

It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. For a moment, I felt the full impact of my sin once again. The sin that I had left at the foot of the cross last semester, I felt it. I wanted to physically represent to myself what it meant to be redeemed. As I walked into that water I was the thief that hung next to Jesus, I was the soldiers gambling for his clothes. I was the doubter. I was the hypocrite. The pharisee. The unbeliever. When I went down into the water I was dying to myself. I was giving up everything about myself and laying it down at the foot of the cross. When I was raised from the water I felt all the shame and guilt and regret roll off my back with the water and it stayed down. I was overcome with joy and I was so grateful for the savior who went through the pain of crucifixion because he loved me. I was humbled. I still am. 

It's been an amazing semester here. I'm still being romanced by my savior. My eternal husband. My forever love. It's an amazing thing, really, to be romanced by the one who created my heart and its longing for love. It's perfect and unlike anything I have ever experienced. No earthly romance will compare to the one that I am apart of now. Jesus gave me a phrase. One to kind of claim as my own. It's "Redeemed. Oh, How I love to proclaim it". I know that it's a song too, but just that one phrase captivates me. I am redeemed and He is asking me and calling me to proclaim and I can't help but to do that.  

I am a women's ministry major now. I'm finishing up my first semester of sophomore year. I'm in love with Jesus and so looking forward to what He has for my life. 

I should have listened last year because I am happier now than I ever have been. I am so captivated by Jesus and I'm loving every second of our majestic romance. 

It is well with my soul.

Have you ever heard of the song “It is Well with My Soul?” If you grew up in church, I’m sure that you have. It’s an old hymn. If you haven’t listened to it, go do it now. I’ll wait a minute….go ahead…listen. 

That Hymn has always been one of my favorites, not only because of the words and its message, but because of the story behind it and why it was written. The author of the lyrics, Horatio Spafford, was a successful lawyer in Chicago in the 1860′s and 70′s, but when the Great Chicago Fire swept through the streets it ruined him finically. In 1873, he decided to move his family over to England and get a fresh start. He sent his daughters and wife on a ship ahead of him while he stayed back and worked out a few last minute business details. Spafford was wrapping up business in America when he received a telegram from his wife, Anna, saying “Saved alone…”. Spafford’s 4 daughters had all died when their boat had collided with another. His only family member to survive was his wife. Spafford got on a boat to go be with his grieving wife and as he passed over the place where his daughters had died he penned the words, to the now famous hymn, “It is Well with My Soul”. 

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to know,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

The faith that this man had after he had lost everything finically and all of his daughters had died is astounding. The above lyrics that I posted are only 2 short verses of a hymn that has a hauntingly, joyful message. Tomorrow is the first day of classes and I am about to embark on my sophomore year of college. I know that God is going to do great things this year and I am so humbled to be a part of it. However, I also know that Satan is prowling around waiting to attempt to destroy the faith that is so evident in this school. My challenge for all of us is that we have the same faith and strength that Spafford had. That though Satan should buffet and trials may come, let us with faith claim the phrase It is Well with My Soul. Regardless of what happens over the next semester, I know that I sit in the hands of an almighty Jesus who is stronger and greater than anything that can come my way. So as we daily take up our crosses, let us also hold tight to this, that in all things, good and bad, it is well with my soul. We are one body, unified in Christ. We have one purpose and one goal, to bring others to him and show them His love and glory and in all things, It is well with my soul. 

The infectious disease of positivity.

Let’s play a game. I want you to read these next few sentences and make them positive:

• Rain ruins everything.
• My car is broken and I’m stuck inside.
• I have a lot of student loans.

Okay, Now I’m going to give you my answers for the above 3 sentences:

• I’m thankful for the rain ending the drought we were in, even if it did ruin my plans for the day.
• My car is broken, but I’m grateful for the relaxation that being inside offers.
• I do have a lot of student loans, but I’m so blessed to have the opportunity to attend secondary education.

What did you get? It’s difficult isn’t it? At least it was for me…… Now some of these are random sentences and some of them are ones that actually apply to my own life and I’m sure that you could think of a bunch of negative things that are happening in your life right now. It seem that is human nature. We can so easily see the negative in our lives. I think that’s also one of the downfalls of living in America and hearing all about the elusive “American Dream”. This can be especially difficult for Christians. 

“Some people look for a beautiful place…..Others make a place Beautiful.” ~Hazrat Inayat Khan

Saw this quote today and fell in love with it. (p.s. Don’t ask me who the sayer of the quote is, I have no idea. I found the picture on pinterest.) It seems like lately God has been hitting me on all sides with this point. When I’m at school, I find things about it that I don’t like and I want to be home, and then when I’m home, I miss school. It’s a vicious circle of negativity, when in reality, I’m perfectly happy and content at both places, but I just don’t share that part. It doesn’t make sense. You’d think that I’d want to share about the amazing experiences that I’m having, or the awesomeness of being home with family and getting to see Ben, as beyond happy as those things make me, I still long to have those things mushed together so my life could be bowl fulls of happy. The reality of the situation is that when I’m at school, I’m at school and when I’m home, I’m home. These things are never going to be mushed together. More often than not, I forget that I have the joy of Jesus in me. The things of this world are fleeting, but only a moment in time, a vapor in the wind…you get the point. When I became a Christian and developed a personal relationship with the savior of my soul, my abba father, I had a joy that was deep set in my soul. I was on fire for God. I was bowls full of happy, all the time. Then real life set in, I got older…I’m still getting older. With each added candle on the birthday cake came more and more responsibility and stress. I took my life into my own hands, put God in the backseat, and messed the whole thing up. Gave God the driver’s seat again, He’s still workin’ on cleanin’ that whole mess up. This whole process dulled that everlasting Joy that I took for granted. And I’m only 18 for pete’s sake! Today, I was doing the typical lazy day activity for me. I was putzin around on pinterest quotes, read this quote, ”Some people look for a beautiful place…..Others make a place Beautiful.” ~Hazrat Inayat Khan, and stopped short. I realized that ya, this was a great quote and all, but for Christians, it packs a way more powerful punch. I could give you the cliche, be thankful, other poor countries, starving kids, bigger issues, blah, blah, blah. (Now don’t get me wrong, those are things that need to be addressed, totally, but I’m not gunna touch that one right now.) I can guarantee that a majority of the people reading this right now are middle class Americans. We know all about the issues that face our economy, our country, the world. We know all about the conspiracy theories, the current events.  We have access to a lot of information that makes us feel like our life is mundane, routine, ordinary, *gasp* Normal! Oh, how dreadful it is to be us!! (I do this quite often….I’m a melodramatic, jump to the worst conclusions, thinks life stinks when it doesn’t, kind of person) But honesty, why is it such a bad thing to be “normal”? So you go to work, school, whatever you do, you come home and live life, sleep in a house, under a roof, in a bed. You eat food, good food, and especially this weekend, more food than you can fit. So maybe you don’t have a huge house, you have a medium house or a small one. So you don’t have the best job in the world, but it’s a job and in this economy, that’s more than a lot of people can say. Maybe school is boring and the people there aren’t great, but it’s an education and that’s a pretty great thing to get. I’m not being judgmental here at all, I promise you that. I have a lot to work on. I come home from school and get bored with the same daily routine of getting up, cleaning, and then laying around my house. Honest to goodness, I complain about LAYING ON MY COMFY COUCH! So I have a long way to go myself. Chin up my friends! Stop comparing your life with all the people around you and realize that you’re life, no matter what’s going on, is FANTASTIC! You wanna know why, cause the God of the stinking universe decided that he loved you so much that he would send HIS SON to DIE for YOU! Like, how can anyone be sad about that! That’s so EXCITING!!!! That’s like Jump up and down, shout it from the rooftops, face-splitting smile exciting!! This is such a hard  concept for me to grasp, but those few brief moments that I do, I just wanna scream cause my sins are cast as far as the east is from the west and I can’t not be stupendously excited about that fact! 

This is a difficult concept to grasp most of the time though and I think I know why. It’s cause we don’t understand the fact that we are to trust God. Completely. With your entire life. I don’t think we truly grasp how scary that can be. Amazing? Of course. Worth it? You Betcha! The end result? Perfection. Completely and utterly, knee-buckling terrifying? That’s an affirmative, my friend. It’s the scariest and most amazing thing that you’ll ever do with your life. It’s giving him every little detailed part of your daydreams and life. You give him your past, present, and future. It is out of your control. That’s enough to make me cry in terror. I don’t know about you, but I am a planner, not a day-today planner, but a future-planner. More often than not I fall asleep daydreaming about my future and the thought of giving God that perfectly thought up plan of mine and telling him to change it to fit him scares me. I have doubts and fears and I’m just plain scared, but that’s cause I don’t understand it. God already knows what my life is gunna be like. He’s seen the ending! He knows the whole thing. I only know the past 18 years that I have lived and that’s not a lot when you think about it. So it’s silly for me to want to keep a hold of my dreams and tell him that he can’t have them. Yet, it’s still so hard for me to let go. Blame it on what you want, but it boils down to a pride issue. I’m to prideful and I love the perfect picture in my head and I don’t think that God should change it. Although, even if I had control I’d mess it up and it wouldn’t turn out the way I have it in my head anyways. Isn’t that how every project goes though? Anyways, I’m still working on it. It’s gunna be a life-long process, but I’m clinging to the words of Jeremiah 29:11, Where God Promises that He has plans for me and He won’t harm me. Positivity is infectious! So smile, share the positivity in your life, and make the negativity a little more positive! We all have struggles, but how we handle those struggles, defines us. Look for that Silver Lining. It’s always there. 

Gossiping without a sound.

Do you ever just have that moment of pure conviction? Where you just know that God’s kinda knockin’ pretty hard telling you to cut it out. Ya….it’s a bittersweet moment. It’s a sweet moment because I can hear the precious words of my savior and I feel really close to him, but then I listen closer and realize that I’m getting in trouble….

Tonight He was telling me that I need to stop being so complacent. I love Liberty University and I know that this is where God wants me, but I get comfortable. I justify slacking on my prayer life because, well, I do go to convocation three whole times a week and I go to campus church so I don’t really have to. I talk to God enough. In moments of boredom, I opt for watching TV on my computer, when I could be reading and praying. I know that I don’t HAVE to spend all my free time reading my Bible. I know that God doesn’t require that, but I notice that the constant submersion in Christianity sometimes can diminish the desire to sit at his feet and soak up his presence. In high school, I had to be a light. There was a very likely possibility that I was the only Jesus that those kids would see and it was a strong motivator for me to stay committed and immersed in the word. (I’m gunna throw in a sappy comment here and thank Ben Huebner for being my accountability buddy and doing devotions with me through texts at night because sometimes that’s the only time I spend with Jesus that day…..so thanks Benny. I really am so grateful for you.) Now that I’m at LU, there are other people pouring into me and the other students and I love it, but like I said it’s causing some complacency in my life. I also have been struggling a lot with gossip. I think that a lot of Christians will gossip through prayer request. At least I know that I’ve done it quite a few times. You ask for prayer about an issue that could seriously need prayer, but then launch into details that people don’t really need and then 20 min later not only are you gossiping, but you’ve also influenced the other person to gossip. I feel like gossip that sin that not nearly enough people take seriously. Ephesians 4:29 says, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as it is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” This verse hit me right between the eyeballs. Somebody could be acting completely horrid to you. They could be mean, hurtful, and spiteful and you can’t speak bad about them. I’m not saying that you should let the problem go, or that you should ignore it…I’m saying that if you are telling someone for the sake of telling them what is happening that’s gossip and that’s bad. If you need advice, go to a trusted adult. They’ll give you advice and pray for you not gossip with you and then hate the person the way that you hate them. Gossip, for me, becomes specially apparent when I am being complacent. When I’m not constantly looking and praying for God’s light in my life. When I don’t desire and long to see him I have a tendency to put on that ‘Christian kid’ mask and gossip in the name of prayer. It’s bad. Tonight, I was just sitting on pinterest daydreaming about my future wedding (which happens an awful lot haha) and I just heard God. Not in an audible way, but in that still, quiet voice and I was just so convicted. For the first time in a long time, I can honestly say, I missed him. I wanted to talk to him, to cling to every precious word that I felt him speaking to me. I wanted to pour out my heart to him. It was so great. But, like I said before, it was bittersweet because then I actually HEARD what he was saying…..my simple ‘prayer requests’ were actually excuses for gossip and that I was the one standing in the way of me and my savior. These are all things that I knew, but it’s definitely convicting to here it from the Holy Spirit. He’s pretty influential in Christianity, in case you hadn’t noticed….I can’t say that I ran straight to my room grabbed my Bible and got right back into the word, but I can tell you that this is going to change. I feel like God is asking me to go on a secular music fast. I’ve done this before and I do know that my attitude is much happier when I do that, but I feel like this time God wants to use it to pull me closer to him. Music has always been a big part of my life and it has a huge influence over the attitude of my heart. So I feel like I need to take some me and Jesus time, music wise, also I’m going to strive every single day to cling to him and his words and when I’m bored, I want to pour myself into his word. At the beginning of this year I started a Bible study on self control, I started it for different reasons than gossip, but I feel like I need to get back to that too. God hasn’t necessarily changed the entire reason why I started the study, that one will be a lifelong study that will call for a constant prayer and calling on God’s strength, but He has definitely added another reason as to why I should continue and study it deeper. I definitely struggle with it and I feel like God is calling me to not only study it because of that, but also because it is a characteristic of himself that I need to emulate to the world. 

There is one more part of gossip that God convicted me about tonight that I feel like I should share, you can gossip without uttering a sound. If someone comes to you and starts gossiping, by not stopping them, you are participating. Now don’t go and make it sound like you are the superior Christian and that you are more spiritual then them and that they need to repent. Please don’t do that. We all have our faults and in God’s eyes, his children are washed clean by the blood of Jesus. What I am saying is that if someone starts gossiping to you change the subject, compliment the person they are gossiping about or just tell them the conversation is making you uncomfortable. Just don’t do it in pride. Do it in humility. Do everything in humility. We deserve nothing. We are sinners. The amazing thing is we are sinners swimming in the grace and mercy and love of Jesus.We don’t have to dwell on our imperfections, but we do need to turn from them and run the other way into the arms of Jesus. We need to emulate the qualities of Christ, even in the Christian community. 

 Trusting in Jesus as always <3 

It’s okay to say “I don’t know”

The most important thing I learned in college this semester is to say “I don’t know”. I know that sounds funny, but bare with me….

Let me back up and tell you from the beginning what’s been going on…

I went into Liberty University thinking that I was going to be a special education major and I was going to change the world for Jesus by reaching these sweet kids. By the time Spiritual Emphasis week ended (within the first month of the semester) my major was…undecided. Now, I can’t pinpoint one thing that one person said that was an “ah-ha!” moment for me. It wasn’t this great huge moment where I can look back and say it was that conversation with God that changed my mind. The decision to change my major was like water moving under a glacier…it was slow, it was steady, and it was changing the entire shape and direction of my heart. It was the Holy Spirit saying “Listen to me, please.”

After weeks of talking it out with people and constantly seeking God my major was declared as “Psychology: Clinal, Research, and Counseling” with a minor in Special Education and Family and Marriage Counseling. I knew that God still wanted me to work with Special needs kids. I love them and they will always have a special place in my heart. This was right before Thanksgiving break. I was nervous to go home because I knew that people would ask me about my major change and what the job market was with that and the pay for that field of work, and honestly I didn’t know. I knew that people would ask out of love for me and I was afraid to say I don’t know because quite frankly, that makes me sound like a child that is trying to “figure out what she wants to be when she grows up”. That phrase often can have a very negative connotation. It can be very condescending. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. Or at least I thought I didn’t but the thought of looking someone I love in the face and saying I don’t know what I’m doing…I don’t know why I’m 10 hours away from home, but I’m trusting God to tell me why. Needless to say, that thought was the source of some stress in the days leading up to coming home. Right before I left I was reading my Bible, and again, I don’t know the exact verse or moment, but all of a sudden I was just like “There is absolutely nothing wrong with not knowing”. I realized that I’m a freshman in college. I’m 18. I don’t have to know. That’s the beauty of God. I can say, I don’t know anything but this, I’m majoring in psychology and God’s got the rest covered. He’ll let me know what he wants me to do with this later. He’ll provide a job for me. He’s got it under control and I’m gunna go with what I know and let God control the the unknown. I can say I don’t know and not be afraid. And when people ask me, it’ll be a chance to say that I know my creator has plans for me and I’m just waiting for him to let me know. It’ll be a great conversation started about God and how he works in our lives. So I’m gunna say right now, “I don’t know” I don’t know and it doesn’t bother me. I’ve been saying this a lot lately, but I really feel like my catch phrase for 2013 is going to be, “Trusting in Jesus as always” because that is what he has taught me over the past semester. I am desperately in love with Jesus and with confidence I can say I don’t know. 

So my advice for any of you who need it is say I don’t know, because in saying it you give all of your worries to Christ. By saying I don’t know, you give God room to work and show you what he wants so you don’t have to say I don’t know much after that. 

I cried because my coffee was good….what is college doing to me???

The sound of my keurig brewing my Vanilla Biscotti coffee was music to my ears. It was a Monday afternoon which meant two things: One, I was depressed that the weekend was over and Two, I have a three hour class at night on Mondays. I was cranky and tired and I didn’t have time for my afternoon “pick-me-up” nap, so I opted for that heavenly, silky, smooth, warm, brown liquid that carried the drug of survival for all college kids. Caffeine. I quickly put the to-go top on my coffee mug, threw my Psych book and notebook in my backpack and ran out the door. It was bright and sun-shiny out. Ya know, that blue sky, not a cloud in sight kind of weather. I had my headphones in because without fail music always will make me happy. One of my favorite Matt Redman songs came on shuffle. It put a little bounce in my step and I hit the volume. Humming as I walked, “Bless the Lord, Oh my soul, oh my soul, worship his holy name, sing like never before, oh my soul, I’ll worship your holy name…” The words just melted away my grumpiness and I decided that I’d talk to God while I walked. As I was talking (okay….so maybe I was yelling at him….) to God suddenly the words of the song penetrated through my tirade and I stopped short in the middle of the sidewalk. “You’re rich in love, and You’re slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind For all Your goodness I will keep on singing Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find.” The part that really hit me was 10,000 reasons for my heart to find. Here I was walking to my psychology class yelling at God for letting someone think a three hour class was a brilliant idea, and in that moment I couldn’t find one reason for my heart to sing, never mind 10,000….I looked at the time and realized that I had to get to class, so I started walking again, walking and pondering. I absentmindedly sipped my coffee and noted that it tasted particularly good this afternoon. Then, for God knows what reason, I got chocked up over a cup of coffee. I mean I literally got teary-eyed over how good my coffee was. Talk about over-tired and emotional. Then a lightbulb went off, and I stopped again in the middle of the sidewalk and thanked God for my delicious cup of coffee. 10,000 is a huge number and that is a lot of reasons that my heart has to find. I figured, if I only thanked God for the big things, the obvious miracles, I might not even get 10 reasons, but if I added in the small things too I would get a little closer to the goal of 10,000+ reasons for my heart to sing. So as I walked to class, I thanked God for the coffee, for headphones so that I could have mini worship sessions on my way to class. I thanked him for music, for iPhones, for perfect weather, for every little thing that popped my head. I was pretty much on cloud 9 by the time I got to class. That 50 minute class flew by and I was out the door off to lunch. I had three hours off before the dreaded three hour class of doom. (Actually it was my Evangelism class, it’s not even that bad, I’m just melodramatic with a touch of ADD so three hours is pretty much hell on earth) Three hours flew by and I still hadn’t had my nap so my sails were dragging…I was exhausted and I couldn’t wait to fall into bed under my covers and drift off into blissful sleep. I dragged my butt out the door and shuffled my feet to my last class of the day. I walked out the door and I could feel the crisp coolness of the air, someone was burning brush nearby so it even smelled like fall. Remembering my earlier methods of thinking I thanked God for fall and the changing of scenery and seasons. again, coffee cup in hand, I found myself in a remarkably better mood. It really is amazing what being thankful has done for my attitude versus complaining about everything. So even tonight, as I crawl into bed, I started thinking about all the things about tomorrow that I’ll hate. I stopped myself and thanked God that I had a bed to crawl into, I thanked him for my awesome roommates, I thanked him for creating sleep so that I can escape from the stresses of the day. God knows what he’s doing, He always does. 

My name is Becky Schwarz and I am no longer just a fan of Jesus.

Okay, right now I want you to stop and think of as many slogans for products that you can. Don’t continue reading until you have taken at least 30 seconds to do it. Ready, set, go! 

How many were you able to come up with? My bet is quite a few. We see slogans all over the place all day, everyday. 

Here are a few of the most common ones: 

• Melts in your mouth, not your hand(M&M’s) 
• It’s everywhere you want to be(Visa)
• The Ultimate Driving Machine(BMW)
• Just do it(Nike)
• It keeps going, and going, and going…(Energizer Batteries)
• You’re in good hands with…(Allstate)

Slogans are a marketing strategy used to draw in the consumer. It’s pretty clever if you think about it… I mean, how often do you find yourself humming one of those stupid tacky songs you hear in commercials? I do it all the time, it’s really annoying, but also very effective. I have the phone number for like 12 different mattress stores memorized because of those songs… 

Now I want you to take a minute and think of a slogan for Christianity. Go ahead take a minute, this one is a more difficult one. 

What’d you come up with? My bet is that it wasn’t the same one that Jesus had…(mine wasn’t even close…) 

Jesus’ slogan for his followers can be summed up in these three words: 

Come and Die. 

You’re probably thinking ‘That’s a horrible slogan!’ and you’re right, in today’s day and age we sugar coat everything. We will twist the truth so that it will sound the best way that it possibly can. We are all about the sale and getting as many people on our bandwagon as we can. You see, if you read the Bible Jesus didn’t care about how many people he had following him, He didn’t care if he offended people. Jesus didn’t want a huge FAN base, he just wanted FOLLOWERS. 

I just finished reading this book called ‘not a fan’ by Kyle Idleman. It took me two days to read and in two days my entire relationship with God changed… It really challenged me to not be a fan of Christ but to be a truly committed follower. When I say Jesus’ slogan for Christianity is ‘come and die’ I don’t mean that he literally wants you to die. What I’m saying is that God wants you to die to yourself. He wants you to completely deny yourself as a person and only concern yourself with the things of eternal value. I feel like a lot of times we aren’t always told what a HUGE commitment giving your life to Christ is. You hear the salvation story about how Christ died for your sins and you need to acknowledge that you are a sinner and surrender your life to him. Now don’t get me wrong that is SOOOOOOOOOO important and it is SOOOOOO amazing that we get this opportunity! We serve an awesome God, but I feel like a lot of times we are so scared of turning someone off that we skip the fine print. The part that says we literally have to die to ourselves and our own desires. We have to deny ourselves and take up our cross daily. Now to anyone who isn’t a follower that sounds horrible. I mean a cross is such an ugly symbol. It represents sin and death, and not just any death but a brutal, painful, torturous death…. why would I want to take that up daily? 

Here’s something I bet you never expected me to say…You shouldn’t want to. Even Jesus himself asked up until the very last second that he be spared from the horrors of the cross. Jesus never said that being his follower would be easy. He flat out told us that we would be scoffed at, bullied, rejected, and cast out because of his name. The thing that is soooooo important though is that we don’t let that stop us from dying to ourselves and following Christ. We are all sinners. No one is perfect. No one. We need to recognize this because a lot of times we become apathetic in our faith because we compare ourselves to fellow ‘fans’ and say “Well, I’m better off that that guy so I’m fine.” You are not fine. I am not fine. I am a broken vessel of Christ. 

Another thing about ‘fans’ that is dangerous is that it is so much easier to be swayed a certain way. For example, anyone who knows me, knows that I am a HUGE fan of Tim Tebow. I’ve read his book, I can tell you his testimony, I have his jersey. I downloaded the Broncos app on my phone, and then he was traded to the jets. Guess what I did? I deleted my broncos app, only wore my jersey to bed, and I downloaded the Jets app and bought Tebow’s Jets jersey. I appeared to be a fan of the Denver Broncos, but in actuality I didn’t know a thing about them. I didn’t know how brutal the practices were, I didn’t know way it felt like to be nailed by a huge football player opposing me. I didn’t understand the pain and the sacrifice that went into being a part of the Broncos. If I had participated in the practices and if I had played in the games I would have been way more upset when they lost, I wouldn’t have given up on them either. If I understood the sacrifice I would’ve believed in my team until the end. Do you see where I am going here? The same thought process can be applied to our faith. The ‘fans’ of Jesus can quote Bible verses about all the miracles that He did and they can tell you all about the man Jesus and how amazing he was. They can tell you his ‘team stats’ and his ‘personal stats’, but they don’t actually understand the price and the sacrifice that comes with following Jesus. As soon as hardship hits them, they will walk away and join another team. A true follower of Christ is on the field, running those suicides all day. They are sweating blood with Jesus right before the crucifixion. They are going out and sharing the gospel of Christ with anyone that will hear. They aren’t afraid of rejection, they aren’t afraid of dying for the name of Christ because they understand the urgency of the message. They understand the eternal value of the soul and the urgency that the world know of Christ’s forgiveness and eternal life. It’s this all consuming love and passion that makes you want to shout out his salvation from the rooftops. 

Being a follower does not just mean that you go out and share the gospel, it also requires a complete surrender. Any ‘fan’ will come up to you and smack talk about why there team is better than yours and why you shouldn’t be a fan your team, you should be a fan of their team. If you are a follower, you will give up everything to Christ. He literally has complete control over everything in your life. You DIE to yourself. You DENY your actual existence so that Christ can be glorified. That’s a lot. I mean you choose Jesus over money. You choose Jesus over the type of entertainment you enjoy. You choose Jesus over addiction. You choose Jesus over family. You choose Jesus over friends, popularity, social status, ect… He isn’t just your first priority, He should be your only priority. There shouldn’t even be a close second. There shouldn’t even be a second. He should be sooooo important in your life that nothing else can even come close to comparing to him.

Christianity is not an attractive lifestyle at all, but Jesus didn’t intend for it to be. All he wants are devoted followers who understand what it means to be a follower of Christ. He wants people wholly surrendered to him. He wants them to serve him wherever, whenever, whatever. He wants all the control in life. ALL of it. Come and die. Come and die and find life. 

My name is Becky Schwarz and I am no longer a fan.  

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes

Do you ever feel like your life is flying at the speed of light and there’s nothing you can do to slow it down? 

That’s how I feel right about now. It’s all really great stuff that is going on, but it all is just happening wayyy too fast… I mean did I just really complete my senior year of high school? Am I really heading to college in just 7 short weeks? It’s all soooo crazy. 

This past year has probably, no it’s definitely, been the best year of my life. I mean I started out a senior in high school so I was at the top of my game, or so I thought. When I say this was the best year of my life, by no means do I mean that this was the easiest year of my life. This probably ranks in the top 5 hardest years, in fact. Like I said, I started this year off at what I thought was the top of my game. I was a senior, my friends and I were ready to finally be the top of the food chain at school. Youth group was fantastic! I was a senior on the worship band and even though there were only 3 of us, I was worshipping Christ with my best friends. My relationship with God was probably the  best it’s ever been. I settled into a very nice routine and geared up for the most anticipated year of my life. I went to youth group every Tuesday night and the messages started hitting me and I was really convicted. I started to get more and more miserable because I was fighting God and my own sinful nature at the same time… The battle was tough and I was most definitely losing it, on both sides. God started to feel more and more distant and I began to listen to those voices in my head that told me I was worthless. My self-esteem was at an all time low… I knew that God was an all-forgiving, all-loving God, but I couldn’t forgive myself, I didn’t love myself. I was depressed and I was really really good at hiding it. 

Then came the winter retreat at Spofford, the retreat that I almost didn’t go on, but the retreat that saved my life. Pastor Mike announced the retreat and I decided I wasn’t going to go because I wanted to save up my money for Nationals. God knew what He was doing (just like he always does…) and he arranged the finances for my trip. I was thrilled that I got to go because I love Spofford. I mean it’s Spofford, who doesn’t love it? I had no idea what God had in store for me that weekend. I went and I knew after the first message that I was in for a good weekend. The speaker was fantastic and I was just really excited. We talked about how Christ was the only thing that could fulfill us. We talked about finding our identity in Christ. We talked about how we are loved Children of the King. I was broken, sobbing, and so in need of my Savior. Satan really worked his butt off that weekend making me feel like crap. My sinful nature was at work. I knew that God loved me and that He had forgiven me. I knew it, I’d accepted it, but I couldn’t extend that same grace to myself. I used to say ‘Who could love you?’ or ‘How could you expect that of someone else when you are so much worse?’ I couldn’t breathe. It was like someone had filled my lungs with water and I was drowning in my own despair. 

I feel like that is the same problem that a lot of people have. I feel like, especially those of us who have grown up in a Christian home, we hear all the time about how God is forgiving, and loving, and gracious. He absolutely is, I’m not saying that he isn’t at all. I just feel that we hear it so much that it loses the awe factor behind it, at least it did for me. I knew it, I could recite it, I even had verses that could back it up. The part that was lost on me the most was the extending grace to myself. Pastor Mike really challenged me to do this. It changed my entire life. I realized that I missed the point of God’s grace. Not only had He forgiven me, He cast my sins as far as the East is from the West. That means that they don’t exist anymore! When God looks at me He doesn’t see some broken sinner, He sees a forgiven, completely cleansed child of the King! He loves me! I could just shout this makes me so excited! I could feel his forgiveness in my fingers and my toes. I know it sounds silly, but I could just feel it. It was all consuming, shout-worthy forgiveness and I was beyond excited! God was enough for me. He was in control of my hopes and dreams, my fears and worries. I knew that God would be enough for me for a lifetime. Even if nothing else went the way that I hoped I knew that God would be enough for me. 

I’m not saying that I am so in love with myself now and that I am always so ready to shout about my forgiveness. It’s still a struggle. My sinful nature still has a hold on me sometimes, but the thing I’ve learned to do is to pray. Stop whatever I’m doing, when I feel myself start falling again I pray. It does wonders. I know that God has to have control of all my thoughts and that’s what praying over every bad thought does. It gives him control. 

After that weekend I could feel my life get better. God had control and even though it was a stressful year, God taught me so many things. He taught me about forgiveness, patience, love, and soooo many other things. This year has been hard, but I wouldn’t trade it in for anything. I am who I am right now because of this year. This blog entry exists because of this year. 

And just so you know this year has not been all bad at all! I mean I was a senior in high school, I had some really neat opportunities to share Christ with a lot of people in school, I went to prom and got asked in a really awesome way  , I graduated high school, and I got a boyfriend who I happen to be pretty fond of  . So ya, it’s been a pretty fantastic year   

I just really felt lead to share this with you because even if one  person can experience the same thing that I did than it would all be worth it. I want you to know just how MUCH God LOVES YOU!! <3 and I do too   

My Goodbye to high school

This was my final essay that I wrote for Mr. Hashemian’s English class. I wanted to share it with all of you because if I had to sum up and say goodbye to high school in under 1000 words, this is exactely what I would say:

     I love music. Ask anyone who knows me, I sing about washing the dishes and if I make dinner it involves blasting music, wooden spoon karaoke, and dangerous dance moves. Music is at the heart of who I am.  Since I was a little kid I was always fascinated by anything musical. Especially the way a conductor masterfully conducted the orchestra at a play. I loved watching his arms fly about as he conveyed to the wind section that they needed to play louder or tell the strings section that a crescendo was coming. That symphony of all those different instruments playing in harmony would leave me with goose bumps.

     One of the many beauties of music is that it clashes. The notes of the harmony and the melody are clashing and it sounds off. Even the most untrained musical ear can hear that clashing chord, but then it resolves and carries off into a beautiful symphony once again.  The melody of a song can be a lot like a family. Each is individual in its own sound, but working all together it can be a masterpiece. I know that sounds corny, but it’s true. If you were to close your eyes and listen to a symphony written by a great composer you could almost ‘feel’ the family aspect of it. The soft notes that are sweet to listen to are the words of comfort that are whispered to a sleeping child, the loud crescendos are the screaming matches that ensue between siblings. The romantic notes represent the love that is still alive between mom and dad. No family is perfect and neither is any melody. The notes clash and I can guarantee that every family does as well. No one agrees with anyone 100% of time. Therefore, the clashing notes represent the arguments that everyone has. The resolution of that clash however makes for some of the most epic moments in a symphony. That is what keeps a family together and functioning as well. The resolution of those arguments is what makes the family as a unit stronger and allows the whole thing to come together and be beautiful once again.

Music is also very inclusive. The beginning of a song could start as a guitar solo and lead into the inclusion of the drums and the bass and the piano. You don’t have to change the entire song to let in another section. When someone in your family gets a boyfriend or a girlfriend and even gets married you don’t have to change the whole structure of the symphony, the two symphonies live in harmony, creating an even larger and more beautiful masterpiece.

     One of my favorite things to do while listening to music is to listen closely and pick out the harmony. I love to sing the different notes and listen to how it enhances the sound of the music and fills it out as a whole. The same goes for a family, again. Each personality represented in the unit as a whole enhances it in some way. If the musical producer just decided to drop even one note from the harmony the people who were working closely on the song would notice that something was missing. An outsider coming to enjoy the show wouldn’t notice, but those in the show would notice and question what was going on. A family is so tightly knit that they would notice if someone was missing from their group. You would notice the missing personality and would do your best to find it. When a child goes off to college, the family as a whole has to learn how to adjust to the new melody and it can take a little while, and it will probably sound a little off. An outsider to your family might not notice, but the family unit as a whole would.

     Another thing about music that I really love is that each section has a solo moment. You know that part of a song when the music fades away and you just hear the lead voice, or when the drums pump up the beat and you can feel them pounding to your very core. It’s a really cool moment for that solo section. I’m graduating in exactly 17 days. My solo moment is coming. That moment when my family backs away and lets me have my moment. That’s what is so awesome about my family. They are letting me be the focus of attention for the next few weeks. As school winds down and I face the final moments as a part of this symphony, they let me shine.

         A really crucial part of a symphony is the ending. The last few notes are the ones that people will remember. At the end of a long song, no one will remember the clashes but they will remember the tangible silence at the end when the last sounds of the song ring in the air and fade away. They will remember the sweet notes that made them smile or the notes that left them in awe. That is my mission as I leave high school and branch away from my family. I want people to see my face in the yearbook and think about how Becky lived every day striving to please God in all that she did. I want be remembered as the shoulder that you could cry on, the loyal friend. I want others to see the love of Christ in me. This was and is my mission and will continue to be as I branch off into my own clashing symphony.

10 seconds of insanity— Bible study entry 2

 Adrenaline pumping through your veins —- there is nothing else like it in the whole world. The heart is pounding, breath is puffing, excitement in the air; and to think that all of this happens in less then 10 seconds. 

     Has this ever happened to you? 10 seconds of insanity turned into insane courage. I know this happens to me right before I go on a water-slide. (which I am terrified of, by the way) That adrenaline feeling lingers even after the experience. Why is this? Well it’s because your body has an all-or-nothing response when it comes to releasing the adrenaline into your system. 

     I just watched the movie Courageous, (AMAZING!!) and it got me to thinking about TRUE courage. Not the kind of courage it takes to say I love you or audition for American Idol. I’m talking about BIBLICAL courage. The kind of courage it took Noah to build the ark, even though it had never rained before, or the kin dof courage it took David to face Goliath. The courage that Mary had to risk her life for a baby. That is adrenaline pumping INSANE courage! I want that kind of courage. I realized that all of these people knew where true courage came from. They had an all-or-nothing kind of courage. They knew that it wasn’t some chemical released from the brain. They knew the truth that:

THE SAME POWER THAT RAISED

JESUS FROM THE DEAD 

LIVES IN

YOU.

How stinkin’ cool is that???? No wonder these people had INSANE courage! They knew had to access the power of God! I want to pursue that everyday of my life.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.” ~ Deuteronomy 31:6

This verse shows how powerful that power actually is. God is with us ALWAYS. We have no reason to be terrified, We don’t have to worry about those who oppose us because… GOD’S GOT THIS! How absolutely AMAZING is that truth?!?!?! It makes me sooo excited! We have that power too! 

“Be strong and courageous….do not turn from it, to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go.” ~Joshua 1:7

God promises that our courage will be rewarded with success. Who wouldn’t want that?? 

    Our God is that AMAZING and we (myself included) have a difficult time even inviting our friends to church….

Our God deserves so much more than that, He deserves shouting from the rooftops! 

     This week pray for insane courage. Courage to do what is right even if it means standing alone, courage to share Jesus with just ONE person. We were MADE to be courageous! 

Give it a go…

10 seconds of insanity….

That’s all I’m asking. 

Unconditional Love — Bible study entry 1

Preface:
I have looked and looked and looked for an online Bible study for Teenage Girls. One that addresses the real issues of high school, boys, self-esteem… You get the idea. I’ve been praying about this and God laid on my heart to use my blog to reach out to other high school girls. A place where we can share about things that have happened in our lives and how God has taught us something through those experiences. I’m really excited about this and I hope that you will be too!
I’m going to start a Facebook group as well that will allow us all to connect to one another. Let me Know if you are interested and I will be sure to invite you into the group. My email is rebekahschwarz@yahoo.com.
My hope for this group is that we can become comfortable with one another and share our thoughts on any topic and prayer requests as well. I hope you enjoy it!
Below is the first entry of the Bible study and it will offer a preview of the type of thing I will be posting on here..

PREVIEW:

“A Boyfriend would just be the icing on the cake” -My Mother

My mom is always great for these tidbits of advice.

I pride myself in the ability to not need a boyfriend. I’m perfectly happy single. However, what girl doesn’t like a guy to tell her she looks nice or has a great smile… Someone besides her dad. When I go to school and see some girls have different boyfriends every week I get a little jealous…Not of the numerous boyfriends because I don’t want that but that somehow those girl manage to get several boyfriends and I can’t get one. My self-esteem takes a pretty big blow. I start to wonder if it’s me. Am I doing something so wrong that I’m not “girlfriend” material? I really hate when this happens because I know that this is Satan at work and I feel helpless to stop him. I have been told millions billions of times that God loves me and that I should focus on Him when I feel like that. I believe that 100%. However, I do find it difficult to focus on Him where relationships are rubbed in my face everyday and I am in an environment where God is not the focus.
I was doing my devotions the other night and the topic was unconditional love. I realized then WHY it was so difficult for me to focus on God.

Unconditional love. Stop. Think about that concept for a second. Then come back and continue reading.

Did you do it? Unconditional Love is the kind of love that God has for each one of His children. This is so difficult for me to grasp because when I do something wrong ( which is often ) I feel unloved by God. I often think, “How could he ever love me if I keep messing up like that…?” I feel unloved by Him not because he doesn’t show it to me, but because I fail to see it. He loves me in spite of me and this is so foreign because you won’t find anyone on this earth that can do that.

My past is not a perfect one by a long shot. I’ve screwed up in some pretty big ways and I start to ask myself, “Who are you to be asking that of your future husband, when you yourself have failed in so many ways?” This question makes me want to cry because I know that this is Satan and I start to believe him. I say it again UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. That’s why I can forget that question, because God removed my sin as far as the EAST IS FROM THE WEST! I want you to know as well that God is love and He loved you enough to die for you. That kind of love can only come from Heaven and it should be the kind of love that is consistently pursued.

What’s that quote again…..
“A girl’s heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him to find her….”

Love that one.

1 John 4:15-18
“If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. GOD IS LOVE. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on judgment day, because in this world we are like him. THERE IS NO FEAR IN LOVE. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”

The City That Changed My Life…Brooklyn, New York

What do you think of when you hear Brooklyn, New York?

If you had asked me that question one week ago the only thing I would say is that it’s just another city…

Now if you were going to ask me that I would say, It’s the city that changed my life.

This past week I went on a missions trip to Brooklyn where we ran a Vacation Bible School for the kids of the First E-Free Church of Brooklyn. I seriously do not have the words to describe the experiences that I had there. It was, by far, the best week of my life…

When I hear someone say “Missions Trip” I think of some far off third world country that has just had some huge disaster and they need help rebuilding their lives. After this week I know that isn’t the only place where people can make a difference. Brooklyn was as much a Missions field as any other place in the world. The kids that I met this week really changed my life. They really just wanted someone to show them affection, to listen to them, and just really connect with them. I was really excited to get the chance to love on these kids. The week was amazing and the kids were sooooo adorable! I had the opportunity to serve with some really amazing people and I am so thankful for each and every one of them. I wanted to share what I learned this week that had such a huge impact on my life. I think it really started Tuesday night. We had a devotional time with two of the pastors at the church and what they taught us was that God put us where we are for a purpose. I really needed to hear that because I have the tendency to complain about where I am…alot…I realized there that I needed to change my attitude about my life. I realized that I needed to start looking at things with the question, “Why does God want me here? What is His purpose for me?” I also learned this week that I need to be less self-centered. My job this week was to focus on the kids and to love them and show them Jesus. Doing that causes you to focus on others so much and I really got a chance to see other people more deeply. The less I focused on myself the more I saw others. The theme passage of this week was Philippians 2:1-18. One of the verse in that passage says “Each of you should look not only to your interests, but also to the interests of others”…That verse challenges us to put others before ourselves. That is really what made this trip different from every other conference or retreat that I’ve been to. This trip required humility. This trip was about serving not being served. 

This week I really connected with two of the sweetest girls EVER. They had this thirst for knowledge and they really loved Jesus. They were overflowing with affection and energy. They called themselves “Ms. Becky’s superstars”. I really loved working with them. I went on this trip praying that I could show Jesus’ love to these kids and these girls showed ME Jesus’ love. It was a truly humbling experience and I am so grateful that I met them. 

God taught me so much this week and I don’t think there are enough words to describe how absolutely amazing this week was. I am so grateful that I got to go.  

knowing Christ died for you, and KNOWING that Christ died for you.

David and Johnathan. These two men were heroic figures in the Kingdom of Israel. They were very close and they entered into a covenant with one another. This covenant said that no matter what they would stick by each other and if something were to happen to one of them that the other would take care of his family. Now, a covenant was NEVER to be broken and it was VERY serious with the Israelites. David and Johnathan obeyed this covenant always. Later on Johnathan was killed along with his entire family. David was devastated. Many years later, however, David discovered that one of Johnathan’s sons had escaped and was alive. David was thrilled and offered that Johnathan’s son come and live with him. David stuck by his covenant with Johnathan long after Johnathan had died.

I was reading a book last night(no surprise there  ) and the part I was reading was about a lawyer who was questioning a man that was a suspect in a bombing that had occurred. As she was interrogating him she discovered that he had entered into a covenant with his friend during the Vietnam War. His friend had given up his life so that the other man could live. Ever since then the man had taken this covenant VERY seriously. As the lawyer(Jill) was interrogating this man(Jerry) and he told her that she didn’t understand what it meant for someone to die for her and she replied, “I’m a Christian. I know about someone giving his life for me.” Jerry replied, “No, You don’t know about that. If you did, it would change every area of your life. Not a day would go by, not an hour, that you weren’t thankful for what he did for you. You’d wear it like a robe. It would be all over your face. His light would shine out of you.” I stopped reading. I was like, WOW! That was really convicting. I know that Christ died for me. I grew up learning it, but I don’t thank him every day for what he did for me. Jesus gave his life FOR US. He died so that we could live. That fact is SO powerful and I can’t seem to remember to thank him for it as often as I should. 

Let me tell you! After reading that I prayed and asked God to help me remember what Christ did for me. That I wouldn’t be conscious of it now just because Easter is approaching, but that year round I would remember and be more thankful for that sacrifice.

I know that all Christians know that Christ died for them. That is the foundation of our beliefs. However, I think that very few actually KNOW that Christ died for them and know the implications of this. Like Jerry said, it would affect SO much of your life that it would be obvious if you truly KNEW what Christ had done for you. I’m praying that I can work towards KNOWING and I hope that you will too.  

Happy Easter!