Comparison of Self is the Thief of Joy.

"Comparison is the thief of joy". I'm sure you've heard this quote. I know that I've heard this a bajillion times. Especially for girls, we are always told that comparing ourselves to others is not what God wants because He finds us all uniquely beautiful. This is very true and something I am passionate about girls understanding. However, I have been taught a much harsher truth in the past two weeks at Liberty. Comparison of self is the thief of joy.

I've written before that "if you had told me a year ago that I would be where I am today, I would say that you are nuts" and I'm sure I'll write it again. I've always been one who has appreciated milestones and what God has taught me with each new year that is brought in. However, in doing that this year, as I begin my Junior (I know! Crazy!) year at college, I found myself disappointed. Disappointed at my lack of Faith in God's timing. Disappointed at my lack of passion for Him and His unbelievable love. I found myself sinking deeper into this hole, the more I looked at timehop, I wished that this year resembled last year. Wishing that the Becky from a year ago would come back with her new found passion for God and the calling that He had placed on her life. I found myself not wanting to spend time with God and stressing more and more about this school year and thinking less and less about Him. I was homesick, which is a first for me. I love Liberty. I do. But I was missing the passion and the desire that I've had for pursuing things of Christ.

Then on Sunday, I realized that I was robbing myself of the potential joy of this year, by wishing that it was last year. I was comparing the Becky of last year with the one of this year. As good as it was last year, this year will only be better. It will be better because He is still God and He is always good. It will be better because I will know Him better. Last year was full of newness and uncertainty. I was baptized last year and truly found joy in my salvation for the first time. I was called into full-time Christian ministry last year, which was exciting and full of divine confusion. I was full of new passion and love. Now I know that we are supposed to find joy in our salvation always, but we are human and we are fallen. Life gets in the way, stresses and sin hinder that joy and our acceptance of Grace. The "newness" wears off and we become content. I am probably one of the worst offenders in this case. Now, before anyone who is reading this (MOM) thinks that I am depressed, allow me to inform you, that I am not. It's been a journey and still is a journey, but I learned something cool and just have to explain my thought process on how I got here. I walked into this year expecting it to start with the same passion that last year did. But it didn't and I was confused and sad. That's when God reminded me that I had learned A LOT about Him last year. From Character qualities that He has, to trusting in something unseen and knowing that it was better than any certainty that I could find. It was an adrenaline rush. And then the adrenaline faded away and I was left wondering how to get it back again.

I was reminded by God that learning a new concept is always fun. I love learning new things, meeting new people, ect... However, I always struggle with the follow through. I get excited about an idea or a new person, but never really make it past the "newness" of it. The same goes for now. God revealed a lot about himself and the plans for my future last year. Now, I have to learn about it. I have to dig deep and discover what all that new, means for my life. The excitement for the future is there, but there isn't as much excitement for the now. I've been robbing myself of that. I've been placing my worth in things that God has given me and I didn't even know it. I placed my worth in my actual excitement and not the one who inspired it. I put my worth in leadership and not the one who gave me that opportunity. When all that fell away and it was only me and Jesus. I felt lost and I thought I was depressed. I was hardly reading my Bible or praying or doing anything to nourish my relationship with God. Literally a day after I realized that and started, God revealed all of this to me. I'm not saying that it was the magic formula for discovering this, God was just waiting for me to come home. I won't have some grand revelation every devotional time, but I will walk closely with my Jesus as I discover things that I know and don't know about him and how that should radically change my life. I'm super excited for that.

3 years that changed everything

I'm in awe of the work God has done in me the past 3 years. I thought it would be different to share it in a letter to myself, at 16. Hope you enjoy! 

Dear 16-year-old Self,

You’re a junior in High School and you are about to embark on a pretty hard and hurt-filled next 3 years of life. They will be the best you have ever experienced. Just as you feel you are riding at the top, the wave will crash. But have hope; you will climb up again…only to be knocked down once more. Do not be discouraged! You see, I’m the 19-year-old you. We aren’t too far apart, and yet we are vastly different. There’s going to be a boy, and he will come and go, and it’s going to hurt. But you will learn that love is strong and it is good. God will seem to fall silent and then He will shout into your darkness, chasing it away with His light. Just as you filled out the last date on your five-year plan, God’s going to take it and He’s going to shred it and use the torn pieces to build His masterpiece. Friends will come and go and it’ll be lonely, but in the silent tear-filled nights, God is going to soften your heart to His plans. In your uncertainty about the future, God is going to come crashing through and bring more uncertainty, but you will be uncertain with a passion. Claim this with boldness, because He is good and He is sure.

I have some advice that I’d like to share. It won’t make the journey any easier, but it’s what I’ve learned and I want to share it. God’s going to break away shame and sin from your life. When you finally allow Him to break the shackles, don’t try to keep them. I know that you feel as though you deserve the shame and guilt, but you are a beloved daughter of the King. Live a life set free. Set the shackles at the foot of the cross and explore a scandalous Grace! Don’t let other people tell you what you should and shouldn’t be. They aren’t you. Stop looking outside for who you are and look up. Listen to the still, small voice and step out in faith, even when you don’t know where your foot will land. Put your phone away and open the Bible more. I know it’s going to seem like the whole world is crashing down around you a few times several hundred times. It’s not. Remember that while you are watching a wave crash down, God sees and is in control of the beautiful, powerful ocean. The low points of this journey are not your destruction they are your birth. So go ahead and crumble. The next 3 years are going to hurt. They will be the hardest and best you’ve experienced. At 19, you aren’t even close to having it all figured it out; so don’t get your hopes up. You do know Jesus better though, and it’s amazing. My parting words are that yes it’ll hurt, and you’ll be confused, a lot. But…If I had the chance to go back and change one thing about the past 3 years, I wouldn’t. Not because I don’t have a few regrets, but because the God that I know now and that relationship was worth every heartbreak, every shameful moment. It was worth every tear and every moment of confusion. It was worth the uncertainty. It was worth the loss, because the gain was so much greater. It was worth it all and I experience it all again if I had to. God is good and He is sure. Remain open-palmed and willing and you’ll be in awe of what He will do in you.

You are a daughter of the King and you’re going to learn to live like one.

Sincerely,

You at 19.

Negative Positivity

Words are so incredibly powerful. I've spent so many hours stewing over words said to me or words that I have said. When it comes to sins of the tongue, I am certainly among the worst offenders. God's been teaching me a lot about it and I wanted to share. Especially, because tonight, I was sucked back into valuing words more than God. It was a deja vu moment back to high school. It was a brief ten minutes, but it was as if the work that God has done on my heart the past two years were pushed out of my ears as new words entered them. Negative ones. It was silly, really, that I should be upset. I mean, I hardly know the person and it was said jokingly, but it still hurt. After about ten minutes of stewing and wondering and feeling once again insecure about myself, I realized something. I do this to people. I might not be bluntly negative about their appearance, but I do it. I hurt people with my words and it's not intended.

I'm sure you've probably heard a thousand sermons on "taming the tongue" based off of James 3 I know that I have, but I know that I've failed to grasp it. I also realized that positive words can be just as damaging as negative. I'm not talking the "oh, I like your shirt!" when actually you hate it positivity. I'm talking the making promises and not keeping it; or the classic use of the word "when". It wasn't until the past 2 years that I realized just how painful broken promises are. I didn't realize that using the word "when" about the future essentially cuts God out of the equation. These are things that I had never even considered. James 3:5 says, "So too, though the tongue is a small part of the body, it boasts great things. Consider how large a forest a small fire ignites". Although forest fires have a negative connotation, it doesn't specify whether the great things that the tongue boasts in are good or bad. It's something that I've definitely been convicted of lately. I'm not a negative person by nature, but I am a positive person and a planner. This has led to me dealing with a lot of making promises that I can't keep, because I don't want to say no to anyone, and getting ahead of God in my plans. I'll say "when" and count on something that I haven't prayed about or consulted God on at all. I've been challenged to live in the moment and to trust a steadfast God with my unstable future. It's really really rough, but so good. Your relationship with God becomes stronger and you make more memories this way. God can do immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine, if we would just stop planning ahead of him and trust Him.

Negativity is obviously a huge thing when it comes to taming our tongues. Nothing spreads as fast as a bad rumor about someone. It's annoying. Something I've been really trying to work on and something I think there needs to be more focus on is negatively joking. We don't ever really know someone's deepest insecurities or hurts. We don't know how damaging our "joke" may be. Sarcasm and teasing may all seem in good fun to someone, but in reality, it can cut deep. I've been both the victim and the attacker in this situation. Girls are especially sensitive and so these jokes can hurt more than we know, but it also can affect guys. They just aren't as vocal as girls with their emotions.
The thing with negativity is that it also insults the creation of God. Ladies, God thinks you are stunning. He thinks you are a total babe. It's silly that we allow words to wreck our hearts when the King of Kings created us and loves us. On the days when I let the negativity in, I feel like He must look down at me and just shake his head in sadness. His heart aches for us to understand that there will be negativity, but that does not lessen our value to Him. He adores us. He cherishes us. He died for us. Negativity seems silly when it's placed next to that radical love. The more we get to know Him and the love that He has for us, the more our words become about Him and His story. Our hearts will want to more and more share His message of Scandalous Grace and Radical Love. We are Daughters of the King, let's start speaking like it.

Inspired Joy

Pinterest is the reason I am an insomniac. I lay down and I browse through it for a few minutes until I get tired. A few minutes turns into an hour, and a method of unwinding turns my brain into a tizzy of food, humor, and, well, food for thought. Tonight was the same as any other night. 2am and I'm still wide awake and on Pinterest. Dang you, college, and your whacky sleep schedules. Anyways, as I browsed through some pins I noticed something. It was a quote and at first I was like 'awww, cute' but all of the sudden a burst of anger flooded into my soul. It's like I could hear the tires screeching to a halt as I fully comprehended the quote.

This is what I saw:

Ummmmm.....I'm sorry. What?!?! 

Now, I know some of you may think that I'm crazy or a feminist for saying this, but I'm going to say it anyways, cause I have a feeling I won't get any sleep until I do. If your smile is inspired by a guy, you are missing the point of joy. Like, I'm talking, you can't even see the target. I'm not saying this from a place of judgement because I've been there, and I still am there. You've got a crush on someone or your dating them and when you see their name pop up on your phone, or they walk in the room, you get butterflies and a goofy grin on your face. It's a great feeling. I get it, trust me I do. I'm about as subtle as a freight train when I like a guy. I'm not saying that it's wrong for a guy to make you smile or to make you happy. They should do that. You deserve that. The problem is when they inspire it. 

Recently, I've been challenged in my own life to dive in deep and discover what it means to be a Daughter of the King. I mean, it's who I am and I'm 19 so it's probably a good time for me to figure that out.....Anyways, I've heard the "identity" speech as much as the next gal. I grew up in the church. Psalm 139 hangs up on a poster in my dorm. I know that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made". I know that I am made in the Image of God. These things are all awesome, but I had still been missing the point. It's great to know it, but it's different when you live it. One thing I was super convicted of is where I find my happiness. I'm a words of affirmation kind of person. I don't care if you sing it, speak it, or write it, words are they way to my heart. Or food. Always food. This means, however, that in any relationships I am most joyful when I get words of encouragement You see, enjoying the encouragement is not bad, it's when my joy is inspired by it. 

Inspiration is a powerful thing. It's what gets your heart pumping and your feet bouncing. It's what drives you through hard times and it's something to be shared with others in your times of success and triumph. Inspiration is what you use to pick a career choice or even a new, out of the box, idea. Inspiration, when tied to the right motive, can lead to world changers. I inspiration and joy are usually tied together and my joy was tied to others. This is not a recipe for a world changer. It's a recipe for disaster and, boy, was I a disaster. I found joy in what others said and I was inspired by that feeling to go out and find it again. Depending on the day it will go from parents, to speakers, to boys, to a random stranger they all would lead to my dosage of joy. I still do this. In my search to live out my identity, God showed me that I need to tie my joy and inspiration to someone that is not only secure, but someone that absolutely deserves it. We serve a righteous and jealous God. He is jealous for our affection. Jealous for our joy. He wants us to place our value and our identity in Him. He wants us to live as his daughters. His beloved, cherished, died for, daughters. His heart aches when we are inspired by someone other than Him. He painted the sky in beautiful colors. He placed each twinkling star in the sky. He created the smell of flowers. As much as the creation was created to worship it's creator, I truly believe that He also created it as a tangible way for us to see a small part of His affections for us. He is worthy of our praise and affection. When He inspires your joy, even in the worst of times you can say "God you are good". He is steady. He is constant. He is the beginning and the end. There is no one who loves you as much or is as faithful as Him. Girls are emotional wrecks. We need that steadiness. Our hearts crave it. My heart aches with longing for all of us to grasp this. I am pleading with you, give your joy to Him. Be inspired by the creator of your heart and all of its desires. Let our wonderful, Heavenly Daddy inspire your joy and let Him bring along the guy who will enhance the beauty that you are. We are Daughters of the King, let's start living like it.

Surrender- The Cure to a Weary Soul

Have you ever held onto something so tightly that your hand started to cramp? Clung so tightly that your knuckles have turned white in the passion of your grip?

Whether it was in a tug of war event or flying a kite, maybe even in a DIY project as you tried to force something together in frustration, I'm sure that we've all done it. If you've ever been there, you also know the relief that is felt as you relinquish your grip and massage the cramp out. You breathe a sigh of relief as the muscles loosens and the pain fades away.

I think that we do this more often than we think. Not in a physical sense necessarily, but we cling to the good in our lives, terrified to relinquish our grip on the known and face the terror of the unknown. We cling so tightly to the good that God has given us that we don't even realize that our hearts are hurting. We hurt because we've stopped listening to God and we are missing the better that he is offering. I do this. All the time. I look back now and my heart aches at the things that God was trying to bless me with if I'd only relinquished every part of my life to him. I ignored him and held onto to the life that I wanted. I caused myself so much hurt that way. Those things that God was asking me to give up still left my life in one way or another, but it hurt more because they were pried out of my fingers instead of me letting go. Now, I'm not saying that God doesn't give us good things, because He does. I'm also not saying that He takes away all the good things in our lives, because He doesn't. I'm saying that the things I thought were good, were causing me harm and the good God was trying to show me was scary and it meant I had to give him complete control. Instead of trusting, I took a strong hold and white-knuckled the life that I wanted and had planned out in my head.

Proverbs 19:21 "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." This is the verse that God has used to speak so much truth into my heart and life lately. I have so many plans and ideas for my life, things I want so badly to happen. Things that range from career goals to wanting to get married. (I also have a tendency to want to rush towards these things and I'm learning to be patient, but that's a longer discussion for another time.) God has been teaching me that He has great and unique plans just for me and He wants me to seek Him in all the desires and longings of my heart. He wants me to make sure that my plans are in line with His will and plans for my life and not try and force His will to fit my plans. He knows what's best for me and has proven that time and time again. Yet still, I will start to hold on tightly to my not so perfect plans and cause my soul to grow weary as I tried to do things in my strength and not allow God to sustain me.

I think we could all use a little more of this in our lives. We often find our souls weary and hearts hurting because of things we've held onto so tightly. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD." (Isaiah 55:8) Let go. Let God heal the hurts in your heart and soothe you with His perfect will. 

We are so dearly and deeply loved by someone who gave His life for us. We are died for. It's a radical love that should lead us to a point of complete surrender. We won't ever experience a love like this anywhere else. If Jesus loved us enough to die for us, He's not going to hurt us. He sees the bigger picture and He knows exactly what we need. Release the grip that your heart has on everything. Release and watch the ache fade away and peace that passes all understanding will settle into your soul. You will be more joyful, less stressed and aware of the deep love the Father has for you. 

Falling in love with who I was created to be and not who I have created myself to be.

I'm going on a make-up fast.


okay....so I know that girls do this a lot and so maybe you've heard of it before, but I'd like to explain my reasons why and then ask you, as my friends and family, to hold me accountable.


I've been asking God, lately, to show me ways that I can step out in faith and trust him. He's been showing me that I place a lot more value on hair and make up than I care to admit. I lack self-confidence when I don't wear make-up. It used to be a non-issue for me. I prided myself in my ability to not need to wear make-up to feel like I could conquer the day. Now I wake up, and if I don't do my make-up in at least someway, I will fall apart at the smallest thing and just have a really negative outlook on myself and my day in general.

Last semester, God taught me a lot about what it meant to let Him romance my heart into the greatest love story that I have ever known. It's been a magnificent adventure so far and I'm really excited about the direction that God is taking my life! It's an amazingly humbling experience. This semester God is showing me that in order to be truly romanced and in love with Him, I need to give Him control over my whole life. Even little things like wearing make-up, He needs to have it all so that I can feel beautiful and loved because there is someone great and mighty who loves me to my very core. I am loved by the very creator of my soul. He knows the longings and desires of my heart, even the things I'm too scared to admit to myself. He knows me. He loves me. And it's a crazy radical love. The kind of love that caused Him to send His Son to die, just so he could know me. It's silly, really, that I find my self-worth and value in anything other than Him. It doesn't make sense because nothing in this world, will make me feel as beautiful as he does. No one loves me as much as he does. I am his bride and He is my forever husband. I'm taking this make-up fast so I can fall in love with the person that He sees and loves and not the one that many other people get to see.

I have no idea how long this make-up fast will last. I'm just going to do it until God lets me know when He wants me to do something else. I'm probably not gunna love it at first, and it's going to leave me feeling super vulnerable and insecure. I am trusting that my Savior and lover of my soul will swoop in and save me from the traps of the lies in my head. My knight in shining armor is going to show me who He loves, and let me fall in love with her too.

I am really excited......and a little bit nervous. Pray for me. It'll be much needed and much appreciated.

Step Out....Even When You don't Know Where Your Foot will Land.

I have been trying all day to put into words the thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head for like an hour now....I figured that if I could write them down somewhere that they would make more sense in my own head. 

I've had a feeling of restlessness in my soul lately. Everything has been going really great lately, but still my deepest core longs for something more, something greater. I couldn't, for the life of me, figure out why. Until today. 

This morning I woke up with a grumbling heart because, for the first time since I've been at Liberty, I had to go to an alternative convo. My not morning person, personality wanted to stay in bed, but it was required so I rolled out of bed and got ready to go. 

It was basically a smaller scale convo with worship and a message. Nothing out of the ordinary or even really special, but I was riveted to the message. I sat on the end of my seat, legs bouncing in excitement and anticipation, heart pounding as it became clearer and clearer to me why there had been such an unrest in my soul these past few months. Faith. Such a simple, Sunday School concept, but I'm missing it. Not the "Do you believe in Jesus faith?", I'm very sure of that. Nothing in my life is as sure as the fact that I am loved by a radical God, drowning in a scandalous grace, and I am died for. I'm missing the "next step faith". The faith that calls me to step out before I actually knowing where my foot will land. The faith that my God is bigger than my blind spot. The faith that I have been given a calling and I need to do something with it. It hit me today that my soul's unrest is due to a lack of faith. 

I realized in that moment that this was not a new concept that God was trying to teach me, but one He'd literally been placing right in front of me and I was too busy trying to see around His next step to get to my next step that I missed it. His next step is so simple. Faith. I need to pursue what He has given me to do now and trust that in His timing, I'll know where to put my foot next. 

Here I am, Lord. Use me.