3 years that changed everything

I'm in awe of the work God has done in me the past 3 years. I thought it would be different to share it in a letter to myself, at 16. Hope you enjoy! 

Dear 16-year-old Self,

You’re a junior in High School and you are about to embark on a pretty hard and hurt-filled next 3 years of life. They will be the best you have ever experienced. Just as you feel you are riding at the top, the wave will crash. But have hope; you will climb up again…only to be knocked down once more. Do not be discouraged! You see, I’m the 19-year-old you. We aren’t too far apart, and yet we are vastly different. There’s going to be a boy, and he will come and go, and it’s going to hurt. But you will learn that love is strong and it is good. God will seem to fall silent and then He will shout into your darkness, chasing it away with His light. Just as you filled out the last date on your five-year plan, God’s going to take it and He’s going to shred it and use the torn pieces to build His masterpiece. Friends will come and go and it’ll be lonely, but in the silent tear-filled nights, God is going to soften your heart to His plans. In your uncertainty about the future, God is going to come crashing through and bring more uncertainty, but you will be uncertain with a passion. Claim this with boldness, because He is good and He is sure.

I have some advice that I’d like to share. It won’t make the journey any easier, but it’s what I’ve learned and I want to share it. God’s going to break away shame and sin from your life. When you finally allow Him to break the shackles, don’t try to keep them. I know that you feel as though you deserve the shame and guilt, but you are a beloved daughter of the King. Live a life set free. Set the shackles at the foot of the cross and explore a scandalous Grace! Don’t let other people tell you what you should and shouldn’t be. They aren’t you. Stop looking outside for who you are and look up. Listen to the still, small voice and step out in faith, even when you don’t know where your foot will land. Put your phone away and open the Bible more. I know it’s going to seem like the whole world is crashing down around you a few times several hundred times. It’s not. Remember that while you are watching a wave crash down, God sees and is in control of the beautiful, powerful ocean. The low points of this journey are not your destruction they are your birth. So go ahead and crumble. The next 3 years are going to hurt. They will be the hardest and best you’ve experienced. At 19, you aren’t even close to having it all figured it out; so don’t get your hopes up. You do know Jesus better though, and it’s amazing. My parting words are that yes it’ll hurt, and you’ll be confused, a lot. But…If I had the chance to go back and change one thing about the past 3 years, I wouldn’t. Not because I don’t have a few regrets, but because the God that I know now and that relationship was worth every heartbreak, every shameful moment. It was worth every tear and every moment of confusion. It was worth the uncertainty. It was worth the loss, because the gain was so much greater. It was worth it all and I experience it all again if I had to. God is good and He is sure. Remain open-palmed and willing and you’ll be in awe of what He will do in you.

You are a daughter of the King and you’re going to learn to live like one.

Sincerely,

You at 19.

Negative Positivity

Words are so incredibly powerful. I've spent so many hours stewing over words said to me or words that I have said. When it comes to sins of the tongue, I am certainly among the worst offenders. God's been teaching me a lot about it and I wanted to share. Especially, because tonight, I was sucked back into valuing words more than God. It was a deja vu moment back to high school. It was a brief ten minutes, but it was as if the work that God has done on my heart the past two years were pushed out of my ears as new words entered them. Negative ones. It was silly, really, that I should be upset. I mean, I hardly know the person and it was said jokingly, but it still hurt. After about ten minutes of stewing and wondering and feeling once again insecure about myself, I realized something. I do this to people. I might not be bluntly negative about their appearance, but I do it. I hurt people with my words and it's not intended.

I'm sure you've probably heard a thousand sermons on "taming the tongue" based off of James 3 I know that I have, but I know that I've failed to grasp it. I also realized that positive words can be just as damaging as negative. I'm not talking the "oh, I like your shirt!" when actually you hate it positivity. I'm talking the making promises and not keeping it; or the classic use of the word "when". It wasn't until the past 2 years that I realized just how painful broken promises are. I didn't realize that using the word "when" about the future essentially cuts God out of the equation. These are things that I had never even considered. James 3:5 says, "So too, though the tongue is a small part of the body, it boasts great things. Consider how large a forest a small fire ignites". Although forest fires have a negative connotation, it doesn't specify whether the great things that the tongue boasts in are good or bad. It's something that I've definitely been convicted of lately. I'm not a negative person by nature, but I am a positive person and a planner. This has led to me dealing with a lot of making promises that I can't keep, because I don't want to say no to anyone, and getting ahead of God in my plans. I'll say "when" and count on something that I haven't prayed about or consulted God on at all. I've been challenged to live in the moment and to trust a steadfast God with my unstable future. It's really really rough, but so good. Your relationship with God becomes stronger and you make more memories this way. God can do immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine, if we would just stop planning ahead of him and trust Him.

Negativity is obviously a huge thing when it comes to taming our tongues. Nothing spreads as fast as a bad rumor about someone. It's annoying. Something I've been really trying to work on and something I think there needs to be more focus on is negatively joking. We don't ever really know someone's deepest insecurities or hurts. We don't know how damaging our "joke" may be. Sarcasm and teasing may all seem in good fun to someone, but in reality, it can cut deep. I've been both the victim and the attacker in this situation. Girls are especially sensitive and so these jokes can hurt more than we know, but it also can affect guys. They just aren't as vocal as girls with their emotions.
The thing with negativity is that it also insults the creation of God. Ladies, God thinks you are stunning. He thinks you are a total babe. It's silly that we allow words to wreck our hearts when the King of Kings created us and loves us. On the days when I let the negativity in, I feel like He must look down at me and just shake his head in sadness. His heart aches for us to understand that there will be negativity, but that does not lessen our value to Him. He adores us. He cherishes us. He died for us. Negativity seems silly when it's placed next to that radical love. The more we get to know Him and the love that He has for us, the more our words become about Him and His story. Our hearts will want to more and more share His message of Scandalous Grace and Radical Love. We are Daughters of the King, let's start speaking like it.

Inspired Joy

Pinterest is the reason I am an insomniac. I lay down and I browse through it for a few minutes until I get tired. A few minutes turns into an hour, and a method of unwinding turns my brain into a tizzy of food, humor, and, well, food for thought. Tonight was the same as any other night. 2am and I'm still wide awake and on Pinterest. Dang you, college, and your whacky sleep schedules. Anyways, as I browsed through some pins I noticed something. It was a quote and at first I was like 'awww, cute' but all of the sudden a burst of anger flooded into my soul. It's like I could hear the tires screeching to a halt as I fully comprehended the quote.

This is what I saw:

Ummmmm.....I'm sorry. What?!?! 

Now, I know some of you may think that I'm crazy or a feminist for saying this, but I'm going to say it anyways, cause I have a feeling I won't get any sleep until I do. If your smile is inspired by a guy, you are missing the point of joy. Like, I'm talking, you can't even see the target. I'm not saying this from a place of judgement because I've been there, and I still am there. You've got a crush on someone or your dating them and when you see their name pop up on your phone, or they walk in the room, you get butterflies and a goofy grin on your face. It's a great feeling. I get it, trust me I do. I'm about as subtle as a freight train when I like a guy. I'm not saying that it's wrong for a guy to make you smile or to make you happy. They should do that. You deserve that. The problem is when they inspire it. 

Recently, I've been challenged in my own life to dive in deep and discover what it means to be a Daughter of the King. I mean, it's who I am and I'm 19 so it's probably a good time for me to figure that out.....Anyways, I've heard the "identity" speech as much as the next gal. I grew up in the church. Psalm 139 hangs up on a poster in my dorm. I know that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made". I know that I am made in the Image of God. These things are all awesome, but I had still been missing the point. It's great to know it, but it's different when you live it. One thing I was super convicted of is where I find my happiness. I'm a words of affirmation kind of person. I don't care if you sing it, speak it, or write it, words are they way to my heart. Or food. Always food. This means, however, that in any relationships I am most joyful when I get words of encouragement You see, enjoying the encouragement is not bad, it's when my joy is inspired by it. 

Inspiration is a powerful thing. It's what gets your heart pumping and your feet bouncing. It's what drives you through hard times and it's something to be shared with others in your times of success and triumph. Inspiration is what you use to pick a career choice or even a new, out of the box, idea. Inspiration, when tied to the right motive, can lead to world changers. I inspiration and joy are usually tied together and my joy was tied to others. This is not a recipe for a world changer. It's a recipe for disaster and, boy, was I a disaster. I found joy in what others said and I was inspired by that feeling to go out and find it again. Depending on the day it will go from parents, to speakers, to boys, to a random stranger they all would lead to my dosage of joy. I still do this. In my search to live out my identity, God showed me that I need to tie my joy and inspiration to someone that is not only secure, but someone that absolutely deserves it. We serve a righteous and jealous God. He is jealous for our affection. Jealous for our joy. He wants us to place our value and our identity in Him. He wants us to live as his daughters. His beloved, cherished, died for, daughters. His heart aches when we are inspired by someone other than Him. He painted the sky in beautiful colors. He placed each twinkling star in the sky. He created the smell of flowers. As much as the creation was created to worship it's creator, I truly believe that He also created it as a tangible way for us to see a small part of His affections for us. He is worthy of our praise and affection. When He inspires your joy, even in the worst of times you can say "God you are good". He is steady. He is constant. He is the beginning and the end. There is no one who loves you as much or is as faithful as Him. Girls are emotional wrecks. We need that steadiness. Our hearts crave it. My heart aches with longing for all of us to grasp this. I am pleading with you, give your joy to Him. Be inspired by the creator of your heart and all of its desires. Let our wonderful, Heavenly Daddy inspire your joy and let Him bring along the guy who will enhance the beauty that you are. We are Daughters of the King, let's start living like it.