Confession of an anxiety-filled people pleaser

Today, I sat in my car, stared at my place of employment and I cried. I cried for 20 minutes of my 30 minute break because I felt like a complete and utter failure. Not because I didn't do my job well, not because I made a mistake, not because of anything that had to do with my actual job. Today, I felt like a failure because someone didn't like me. I felt like a failure because I am a people-pleaser plagued with anxiety and I failed because someone didn't like. I failed because my anxiety about people liking caused me to spiral into a flustered mess that led me to crying alone in my car.

So this is it. My confessions of an anxiety-filled people pleaser. Because maybe if more people talked about the harshness of people pleasing, we could all help each other think healthier. So maybe you need to read this too or you think I need to be committed, but either way, I need to write it if I'm going to get some sleep.

1. I will always assume that people don't like me.
2. I will always think that I am annoying or clingy and will retreat to myself to avoid that.
3. I love meeting new people, but I am bad at getting to know them.
4. I love going out and being social, but small talk makes me so anxious that I avoid it.
5. I will make myself sick thinking about people who don't like me.
6. I will obsess about fixing it or understanding it if people don't like me.
7. I am more apt to believe the negative things people say about me over the good things.
8. I will remember the bad things, much longer than the good things and I will make it my identity if I live up to it even once.
9. I second guess and triple guess everything. From text messages to conversations. I will relive and try to imagine what people are thinking about me. I'll assume negatively.
10. I am sick to death of feeling this way.

So this is what I wrote in my journal weeks ago, and every time I start to feel like a failure I read it again because it reminds me of who I am.

Though my words be few and my heart is heavy---though confusion and despair war in my soul---when failure threatens to consume me---I am reminded that I am the beloved bride of Christ. My value is not in my strength. What I accomplish has no bearing on His love for me. No grade, degree, or opinion has the power to write my story. He already wrote it.

So instead, I have this list:
1. I am beloved
2. I am Cherished
3. I am precious
4. I have value
5. I am worth it
6. I am loved
7. I belong
8. I am enough
9. I am not my shortcomings
10. I am not stupid or a failure

I am His and I am wholly loved. I have an amazing family and friends.

People pleasing is an exhausting, self-built prison that keeps the person trapped inside while they hold the key. It's not easy to let things slide off your back and people telling you to do that doesn't help. What does help is have a list of truths ready to counteract the thoughts before they spiral. Don't let anxiety keep you from meeting new people and showing them Jesus. Be honest. Be you. Be real.

People who matter will see it, value it, and love you for it.

And to my friends who see my crazy and love it, I am more thankful than you know and my journal is filled with your names to remind me of who matters and what matters.

So there it is. The confessions of a people pleaser. Hope it helps.

"Have a great day and Happy Holidays"

I'm a Christian who doesn't believe there is a War on Christmas. 

Now please don't get me wrong, I LOVE Christmas and I LOVE why we celebrate it. I love that we celebrate the birth of Christ. I love that this season sets into motion a season of celebrating Christ and what He did. We are celebrating the Gospel in every form and my heart pounds with the desire for more people to understand this. This season just sings out the love of Christ and I look forward to it. However, what good is this desire for others to share this if it is not motivated by love and compassion? What good is the message we want to share if it is drowned out by our screams of a war on Christmas? How can the Gospel be shared if we ourselves do not display the very love and compassion that brought a tiny baby in a manger all those years ago?

People would be more receptive to the Gospel if we were kind to them. If we invested in them. If we showed them a love that had never experienced. If we set aside our prideful agendas and soap boxes of Christmas wars. If we just valued people. Let's be different and Set apart. Let's be genuine when we talk to people. Something as simple as looking someone in the eyes and smiling and saying "have a great day" and meaning it can be huge. 

God is not hindered by whether or not Starbucks has Christmas cups. God is not limited to "red cup" season. God doesn't throw up His hands and say "I can't" all because some retail worker said Happy Holidays. He's rejoicing in this season with us. His heart is excited for us to worship Him. He longs for more to know Him. But that's the thing, it's our job to tell others. Not a chain corporation that wants to make everyone comfortable. God wasn't counting on Starbucks or Target or Walmart or a grocery store to talk about Him. He is counting on us. This "War on Christmas" doesn't exist. 

The Joy of Being Known.

I'm a dreamer. 

A hopeless romantic. 

I dream of silly, unique dates.

I dream of a wedding full of joy.

I love to read. 

I love what it teaches and inspires. 

I love to read books that those I love, love. 

A person's favorite book says a lot about what they value. 

I love music. Almost any kind of music. 

I love to laugh. 

I love to watch tv. 

I love to sing in the car. 

I love meeting new people, but I'm terrible at small talk. 

I love just hanging out with people I love. 

I love to write. 

I love to talk. 

I think ice cream is God's gift to the world.  

Coffee is always a must. 

Spontaneity is a favorite thing of mine. 

I can't keep a favorite color for longer than a month. 

I love watching really corny movies and seeing if I can watch it all the way to the end.

Love Does is my favorite book. (After the Bible.)

But also,

I'm a worrier. 

I worry that I am too much and not enough all at the same time. 

I'm insecure. A lot of the time. 

I struggle with shame and embarrassment at my actions. 

I don't love who I am 100% of the time. Or even 60% of the time. 

I'm insecure in how I look. 

I'm insecure in what I wear. 

I'm insecure in what I say. 

I'm insecure in what I think. 

Texting etiquette gives me an anxiety attacks.  

I overthink and under act. 

My greatest source of anxiety is potential missed opportunities. 

I second guess everything. 

The future scares me. 

Sometimes I get really sad that I'm single. 

Sometimes I question every choice I've ever made. 

Now, I didn't make this list because I think I'm worth knowing or because any of this is really impressive. I made this list because something has been bothering me lately and that is identity. I made this list to remind myself that I am not found in all my good and I am not found in all my bad. Neither are you. Personalities, likes, dislikes, and actions will change as time goes on. 

Instead of being known by any one of those things above, I'd rather be known as:

Beloved

Cherished

Adored

Daughter of the King

A woman who strives to hope in the Lord

Loved

Died for

Cared for

Valuable

I guess I'm writing all of this because as much as we hear this in church I think it's important to be vulnerable about how hard this actually is. To look in the mirror, to think about ourselves, to be real and to see ourselves as God sees us is actually so hard. It's hard because our flesh is so loud. What others say is so loud. Pushing through to hear that still small voice is a daily battle. To hear Him affirm us and to love us is really hard to do in this broken world. It's so much easier for me to just accept what I think of myself as truth and that's so damaging to the work God is doing in my life. 

My dear sweet friends,

If no one else has, allow me to tell you that you are worth more than all your good and all your bad. You are worth more than the endless insecure thoughts that keep you up at night and you are worth more than your greatest accomplishment. You are worth dying for. You are loved and adored and cherished and pursued by the creator and the sustainer of the universe. He sees you as His child. It's a beautiful and captivating love story. he knows you. He formed you. He knows your heart and all its desires because He knitted you together. 

So the next time the world gets to loud and your mind won't slow down, seek the face of the one who made you. In His image, I might add. You are reflecting Him to the world. He wants to hold you and remind you who you are and whose you are. 

I think we could all use more of this and less of us. 

Lord,

May we always seek to know you more. May we be a people who strive to hope in you. May we be known by you. May we know you. May we always hear your voice above the noise. 

Amen. 

The Culture of Someday

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
"What is the after college plan?"
"Where do you see yourself in five years?"
"What are your plans for the future?"

We live in a culture of somedays and tomorrows. A culture that places our dreams just one day, one year, one decade out of our grasp because our eyes are always on the next thing. Because the thing you are doing now is certainly not the thing you should be doing forever and there is no way that what your today holds is beneficial to what your tomorrows desire.

I'm sick of it.

This culture, these ideas, this constant feeling that our dreams are just one heartbeat out of reach creates an attitude of dissatisfaction. God created us to be passionate, active, and involved people. We are not a people created for tomorrows. We are not a people who are told to love radically and disciple others a year from now when we've fixed us. We are a people who are created for now. Not because tomorrow isn't promised, not because our lives are as a vapor (all true, BTW) but because Jesus' ministry was not a "tomorrow" ministry. He didn't look at the hungry faces around Him and say "They'll get it later, after I die and raise from the dead". He taught, He loved, He fed. KNOWING what the future held. KNOWING His fate, still He served. Still He loved. Still He fed. We should DO that. Someday and Almost are the enemies of ministry. They are the killers of passion. They are the opposite of the Gospel.

I struggle with this. I struggle with thinking that this ministry God has called me to is a thing of the future. I struggle with every time this "tomorrow" ministry gets a little further away, my soul finds itself a little more unrested. I spend all my time wishing I could fast forward to when my life will be perfect and I'll be 100% fulfilled in my ministry. I have paused the ministry God has placed me in now, to try and seek satisfaction in a future ideal. I'm ridiculous.

Going to Liberty is great and you get told a lot that you are a world changer, which is encouraging. You also get told that you are the leaders of tomorrow, and I would have to disagree. I believe that we are the leaders of now. I believe that this generation needs leaders now. They need people who are sold out for Jesus to serve Him now. They need people to love well, NOW. They don't need people planning lives of big ideas and not ministering now. This isn't a life that is full of extraordinary acts. These leaders and their lives are lived well in the ordinary. If you sweep the hallways of a church, do it well. Do it to the best of your ability and do it because it is where God has placed you. If you are a high school student, study well. There are people all around you hurting and there are hallways full of lockers and papers, but it is a unique culture that surrounds you that needs Jesus. Bring Him to them. Be active NOW in your pursuit of Jesus and your sharing of the Gospel.

If you're like me and you are in college, you spend more time than you could ever want writing papers, studying, emailing professors, and drowning in stress. Your future consumes 80% of your thought process. We need to not let our constant planning for the future drown out the ministry that is needed now. Ministry is not exclusive to the Bible majors and Seminary students. If you are going for art education, minister to that culture and show them the Beauty of Jesus. If you are going for engineering, show others the intricate designs that the creator has placed around us. Minister where you are in love and in the light of the Gospel all for the Glory of God.

Share the Gospel in every aspect. Love in every moment. Lead in your desire to do the ordinary stuff beautifully. That's the name of this blog, because it's what the Lord is teaching me everyday. Your life will not become radical because you seek out circumstances to be extraordinary. Your life with be radical because you said Yes to serving and loving God where He placed you and He made it extraordinary. Love in action is not extraordinary because the action itself is extraordinary, but it is extraordinary because we are loving as Christ loved in a world that does not understand true love.

You matter now. It's not the you of ten years from now that matters. It's not the you of yesterday that matters. It the you of now that matters and what the Lord is asking you to do now matters. Don't waste your time on the somedays and the almosts when the now needs you as you are, where you are, serving with all that you are. Be sold out for Christ and no matter what, love well. Love Unconditionally. Love sacrificially. Love in action.

For God is not unjust so as to overlook your work and the love that you have shown for his name in serving the saints, as you still do. And we desire each one of you to show the same earnestness to have the full assurance of hope until the end, so that you may not be sluggish, but imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises. -Hebrews 6:10-12

Unapologetically You.

"Wisdom in wise counsel"

That's a phrase that has given me more gray hairs then any almost 21-year-old should have. For me, that phrase says, "Ask every single person that you respect what you should do and then take all the advice they give you and merge it somehow so that no one gets upset that you didn't take their advice". 

I realize now that I sound clinical and should probably get some help....

anyways....this is a battle that I have had to fight for a very long time. A battle that has warred in my mind for so long that any decision I have to make outside of dinner plans has me turned into a vibrating ball of anxiety. So naturally, I've been handling decisions in college super well....Coming home to finish school has brought on a whole new onslaught of decisions and a new group of people who love me far more than I deserve who have so much wisdom that I honestly get overwhelmed. 

I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted and my own mind has drowned out the still, small voice that has guided me this far. The one person that has been constant in all the chaos. The unifier of my passions and my calling. The creator and lover of my soul. The knower of my future. The giver of wisdom. The Prince of Peace. My eternal love. My Savior. 

Today, He shouted a little bit louder and I heard Him. I heard Him ask me to be unapologetically me. To take what He has given me and what He has blessed me with and where He has led me and live it unapologetically. The wise counsel He has surrounded me with is just that, counsel. Which by definition means, "advice, especially given formally". And just to break that down a little further, Advice means, "guidance or recommendations concerning prudent future action. typically given by someone considered knowledgable and authoritative". 

I have been surrounded by some great advice and counsel by wise people who have guided me with grace and humility and love. However, as much as I love those people and how much I value them and will continue to seek their advice, they are not God. The large unknown that is my future is just as unknown to them. They have the same facts I do. They face the same sin I do. They face the same weakness I do. They are fallen people. Just. Like. Me.

The people pleasing part of me struggles with making decisions because I've had different advice from different people and I want them all to be proud of me. This battle, is all in my mind. They are proud of me for following Christ and their only mission is to guide those efforts. Friends, know this, wise counsel is good, but it is not wise and it is not counsel if those people make you feel like less of a person or not as valuable to them if you don't take every piece of advice they offer you. If that is what they are doing they stop becoming sources of wise counsel and become "me-monsters" with a "god complex" who want to place their brand of success on you. 

You can be loving and unapologetic. You can listen to wise counsel and value the people around you and be bold in your calling. You are built to please an audience of one, and that's already done. You are beloved. You are cherished. You are powerful. You matter. 

Boldly. Passionately. Lovingly. Unapologetically. 

Follow Christ. 

Beautifully Broken. Childlike Faith.

“Why does your dad live at your house?”

I thought I was ready for this week. I thought that I had prepared myself for some of the heartbreak and brokenness that would be a part of this week. I thought I was ready.

I wasn’t ready for that. I wasn’t ready for that question that wrecked me. I wasn’t ready for the tears that seemed to swallow up any answer that I could have. I wasn’t ready for a four year old to look up at me with innocent brown eyes and ask me why my life situation was outside of her normal. How could I be?

I live in suburban CT. My parents are sickeningly in love with each other. I have two siblings a dog, a cat, and my own car. I didn’t even have a rough childhood. My parents are Christians and I have grown up hearing and knowing about Jesus. My dad dearly loves me and I have known about my Heavenly Father my whole life. How could I be ready for this sweet face that didn’t know that Dads are supposed to live in your house and that they are supposed to love you?

I also wasn’t ready for the way her sweet face lit up when she told me that she had learned about her heavenly father at VBS and that she decided that when she prayed she would start calling Him daddy. My faith has been challenged this week so much, but never more than in this moment. The innocence of child-like faith is astounding. It breathes new life into the verse:

“And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 18:2-4 ESV)

When is the last time I had that faith? That love for the Lord? When was the last time I went before Him as my Dad who loves me, who created me, who knows me? I’m praying that it’s more often after this week. I’m praying that every time I start to forget and start to get unhappy with the abundant blessings in my life, this sweet face with big brown eyes will wash over my mind and I’ll be brought to my knees in humility. I’m praying that I will continue to know Him intimately and I’m praying for this sweet girl. I’m praying that she will grow in her love for the Lord and that she never loses that sweetness and innocence. I’m praying that each and every day for the rest of her life she calls Him Daddy. I pray that she knows that she is wholly and perfectly loved. I pray that she knows that no matter what, she has value and she has worth and that she is died for. I pray that it gets written on her bones and that she never lets anyone tell her otherwise. Her name is Rihana, will you pray too?

When the Will of God is the Hardest Thing To Do

I'm just going to give it to you straight because I don't like hiding real emotions and real struggles. It's exhausting.

Sometimes, following the will of God is the hardest thing you will ever do. There will not be peace that passes all understanding. It will not be all happiness and butterflies and all things good in the world. Sometimes, abiding in the Lord and doing what He asks requires great sacrifice. It requires hard goodbyes and abrupt changes of your plans. Sometimes it makes your heart heavy and when you think you've cried enough tears, more will come.

I don't want to tell you all of this because I want to discourage you. I want to tell you all of this because it is the season that I am currently in. I'm going home to finish school. The Lord has lined up so many amazing opportunities for me and I am honestly excited for what the next semester holds and where He will take me. However, none of that makes right now easy. None of that makes the friends and the ideas that I had for what senior would hold any easier to say goodbye to. What I do know is that the Lord is good and His intentions toward me are always good. I may not have a whole lot of peace right now, but I do have a lot of rest in knowing that my God will not lead me astray. I do know that what the future holds will not be 100% easy, but following God will be 100% good. 

On Monday night as I was reading my Bible and honestly just crying and I came across Proverbs 16:9 which reads:

The heart of a man plans His way

but the Lord establishes His steps

Friends, since Monday night, this verse has popped up in my life TWELVE TIMES! Y'all, in case you missed that, I heard the same verse 12 times in the course of 72 hours!! Our God is faithful to work in the hardest of times and He is faithful to confirm what He is asking us to do. We are not Him. We cannot see what's next, nor do we know what it holds, but we KNOW Him!! 

I can honestly say that looking back on my time at Liberty, the Lord has been preparing me for this change of plans, I just didn't know it until this week. Freshman year, He tore down every idol that I had in my life and He drew me unto Him. Sophomore Year, He taught me that I need to be willing to actually step out of my boat and walk in the water with Him, not just dangle my foot over the water. I was also called into ministry during this year and that was certainly not in my 10 year plan. Last semester I learned to let go and follow after Him into unknown territory. This semester, I have learned that loving people is the most valuable thing that I can do and to love them well. To love in big and small ways. To love in ways that causes sacrifice and rebuilding. To love as Christ loved. To make the first move because He made the first move. All of these lessons and all of these things that I have gone through were beautifully and perfectly orchestrated for a moment that God new was coming before the foundations of the Earth. This moment is also not the end of that, it is just another lesson and another moment that will carry me through to the next lesson or the next change. 

A friend said something to me last night that I will never ever forget. He said "God did not promise Liberty to you, He promised to use you for His glory. Liberty was not meant for your completion, it's just a chapter in your story". I'm not going to say anything else about this. I'm just going to let it be with all the goodness that it is.

Friends, I want to encourage you. I want to encourage you to pursue Christ and to do what He asks. I can tell you from current experiences and current struggles that it is not going to be easy always. There have been times where God has asked me to do something and it has been so exciting and good that I have done it with whole-hearted joy. And then there is now. Right now, I am excited for what comes next and for the things that wait for me at home. I am excited that the dream I have had of going home and doing ministry there is coming true much earlier than anticipated. I am excited to be with my family who I love dearly and I miss whole-heartedly. I am excited for the classes that I'll get to take online. But also, I am sad. I am sad because I'm leaving my best friends. I am leaving the ministries that I have loved serving in. I am leaving a place that I love. I am leaving classes that I love. I am leaving a place that has so radically changed my life. But I know that any loss that comes for the cause of Christ, much greater gain lies ahead. 

While I still have finals and more goodbyes to go, I know that my God is good and that where He is taking me next will be better than any plans I had for senior year. It's hard to say goodbye to dreams that I had and I'm learning that it's ok to grieve the loss, but what it cannot do is shake my faith that my God is good and that He who calls is faithful. 

This song has been on repeat. For much longer than the news of leaving has been on my heart, but it's  fantastic in it's message and it's truth. "I found my life when I laid it down". Laying down our lives will not be easy. Rebellion is written on our bones, but if we strive for it and if we do it, we will find our life. It's hard, but it's beautiful.