When the Will of God is the Hardest Thing To Do

I'm just going to give it to you straight because I don't like hiding real emotions and real struggles. It's exhausting.

Sometimes, following the will of God is the hardest thing you will ever do. There will not be peace that passes all understanding. It will not be all happiness and butterflies and all things good in the world. Sometimes, abiding in the Lord and doing what He asks requires great sacrifice. It requires hard goodbyes and abrupt changes of your plans. Sometimes it makes your heart heavy and when you think you've cried enough tears, more will come.

I don't want to tell you all of this because I want to discourage you. I want to tell you all of this because it is the season that I am currently in. I'm going home to finish school. The Lord has lined up so many amazing opportunities for me and I am honestly excited for what the next semester holds and where He will take me. However, none of that makes right now easy. None of that makes the friends and the ideas that I had for what senior would hold any easier to say goodbye to. What I do know is that the Lord is good and His intentions toward me are always good. I may not have a whole lot of peace right now, but I do have a lot of rest in knowing that my God will not lead me astray. I do know that what the future holds will not be 100% easy, but following God will be 100% good. 

On Monday night as I was reading my Bible and honestly just crying and I came across Proverbs 16:9 which reads:

The heart of a man plans His way

but the Lord establishes His steps

Friends, since Monday night, this verse has popped up in my life TWELVE TIMES! Y'all, in case you missed that, I heard the same verse 12 times in the course of 72 hours!! Our God is faithful to work in the hardest of times and He is faithful to confirm what He is asking us to do. We are not Him. We cannot see what's next, nor do we know what it holds, but we KNOW Him!! 

I can honestly say that looking back on my time at Liberty, the Lord has been preparing me for this change of plans, I just didn't know it until this week. Freshman year, He tore down every idol that I had in my life and He drew me unto Him. Sophomore Year, He taught me that I need to be willing to actually step out of my boat and walk in the water with Him, not just dangle my foot over the water. I was also called into ministry during this year and that was certainly not in my 10 year plan. Last semester I learned to let go and follow after Him into unknown territory. This semester, I have learned that loving people is the most valuable thing that I can do and to love them well. To love in big and small ways. To love in ways that causes sacrifice and rebuilding. To love as Christ loved. To make the first move because He made the first move. All of these lessons and all of these things that I have gone through were beautifully and perfectly orchestrated for a moment that God new was coming before the foundations of the Earth. This moment is also not the end of that, it is just another lesson and another moment that will carry me through to the next lesson or the next change. 

A friend said something to me last night that I will never ever forget. He said "God did not promise Liberty to you, He promised to use you for His glory. Liberty was not meant for your completion, it's just a chapter in your story". I'm not going to say anything else about this. I'm just going to let it be with all the goodness that it is.

Friends, I want to encourage you. I want to encourage you to pursue Christ and to do what He asks. I can tell you from current experiences and current struggles that it is not going to be easy always. There have been times where God has asked me to do something and it has been so exciting and good that I have done it with whole-hearted joy. And then there is now. Right now, I am excited for what comes next and for the things that wait for me at home. I am excited that the dream I have had of going home and doing ministry there is coming true much earlier than anticipated. I am excited to be with my family who I love dearly and I miss whole-heartedly. I am excited for the classes that I'll get to take online. But also, I am sad. I am sad because I'm leaving my best friends. I am leaving the ministries that I have loved serving in. I am leaving a place that I love. I am leaving classes that I love. I am leaving a place that has so radically changed my life. But I know that any loss that comes for the cause of Christ, much greater gain lies ahead. 

While I still have finals and more goodbyes to go, I know that my God is good and that where He is taking me next will be better than any plans I had for senior year. It's hard to say goodbye to dreams that I had and I'm learning that it's ok to grieve the loss, but what it cannot do is shake my faith that my God is good and that He who calls is faithful. 

This song has been on repeat. For much longer than the news of leaving has been on my heart, but it's  fantastic in it's message and it's truth. "I found my life when I laid it down". Laying down our lives will not be easy. Rebellion is written on our bones, but if we strive for it and if we do it, we will find our life. It's hard, but it's beautiful.

Criticism and Consumerism: The Churches Fatal Flaws

Critical comments drive me insane. Like, I cannot stand it when people follow some shallow compliment with a “….but,” and then go on a rant of displeasure that far exceeds the compliment that they just half-heartedly gave. We live in a world of critics and people pointing fingers and casting blame. I have been there with the best of them, but I know that recently, my heart has been more attune to notice criticism in my own life and try to find the positive in situations that are far from pleasant. I have not been perfect at it and the battles are many. However, I feel like the issue needs to be addressed.

I’ve noticed a trend at Liberty. We spend so much time entrenched in doctrine and teaching that is good for us, but as C.S. Lewis puts it, “One of the things Christians are disagreed about is the importance of their disagreements”. A majority of the students here will be in agreement over how a person is saved or the inerrancy, infallibility, and inspiration of Scripture. We will talk until the sun comes up about grace and mercy and how wonderful and scandalous the love of Jesus is, but we will talk more about predestination or free will. We will talk and argue about a literal or spiritual rapture and things that are OK to debate, but not OK to stake our beliefs on. Things that do not and will not change the message of the Gospel and things that do not and will not change the fact that we are ONE body UNIFIED in Christ.

I’ve noticed a lot of people, myself included, discrediting people because we don’t agree with these “outlier” issues. We are telling other members of the Body of Christ that they are not good enough for “our body”, but that they should try out the “body down the street” because they are more likeminded. It is unbiblical to behave this way. It causes separation where God meant unity. Church is not a club. Grace is not exclusive. All we need is the Gospel. We forget sometimes that that is where we started. I do it. We need not be so quick to forget that we were not a neat and clean package full of deep theology when grace found us. We were, and still are, a mess, a mess that is covered by grace and seen as beautiful through Christ and His sacrifice, but a mess nonetheless.

I believe that this issue of criticism is rooted in our consumerist behavior. Church has become a place where we go to benefit us. If a preacher teaches or speaks in a way that we don’t “learn best from” we walk away saying that we didn’t “get anything” from the service neglecting the fact we just experienced one of God’s greatest blessings, the Body of Christ. If the worship pastor didn’t play our “favorite” song that morning, we walk away feeling dissatisfied with the entire service. I know that is my biggest struggle. I love music and I love worship so if I feel something is missing, my entire attitude about the service shifts.

When did church become a self-serving activity and not an act of worship? When did it become about what was good or bad for us and not about what the Lord had for us? And how do we get it back to its purpose?

Something that has been taught to me here and something that I think I overlooked a lot of the time is that we simply need to preach the Gospel to ourselves everyday. We need to remind ourselves where we came from and what God saved us from. Not to shame us into some skewed guilt-ridden humility, but to bring us back down to the foot of the cross. I’m not saying that this will fix all of the issues that I mentioned and I’m not saying that it’s the answer to everything, but I do think that it will bring humility to look at people with a more open mind. Not to compromise our beliefs, but to see them as Christ sees them and to love them as Christ loved them. Preaching the Gospel will remind us of the grace that we encountered and the mess that we were carried out of. It will remind us that we are dependent on Christ. It will bring humility that is not driven by shame and guilt, but humility that is driven by the appreciation of receiving a gift that we did not deserve. 

Authentic Love: Loving in Action, Living in Love

     You know that the small "TM" that appears next to the things that are trademarked? I never understood what it really meant, so I googled it. This is what I found:

Trademark (n): 

a symbol word or words legally registered

or established by use as representing a company or product

a distinctive characteristic or an object

Trademarked (v):

provide with a trademark

identify (a habit, quality, or way of life) as

typical of someone

     As I was beginning to write this entry in my journal, I felt the Lord prompt me to look up this definition and so I did and as soon as I read it this phrase popped into my head:

"Love should be the trademark of the Christian"

     The topic of loving others and loving in action has been popping up everywhere that I go. I've been asking the Lord over and over again "OK---What do you want me to do with this?". Everytime that I started to ask this I was overwhelmed with this feeling of a call to action. I had no idea what to do with it all, and so I just kept asking and seeking and trying to discover what God was asking me to do. 

     Then the verse that talks about how people will know we are Christians by our love, or maybe it's a song based off a verse, either way, I once again took to google and that's when I saw John 13:34-35. "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples if you have love for one another". I knew that this was my call to action.

     Now I don't know much of the greek language, but I do know that the concept of love has many different meanings in greek and that the fact that this verse mentioned love so many times probably warranted some research. This love, that we are supposed to be trademarked by, is agape love. Agape love is a sacrificial love. It's the love that God demonstrated for us when He sent His Son to die on our behalf. It is selfless. It is sacrificial. It is HARD.

     Agape love is an act of will, a decision, a commitment. We are commanded to love one another, as Christ loved us. This standard that is set for us is a high one and not one that can even be done in our own strength. Our emotions are too fleeting to rely on them to carry out this heavy commandment. This command is not meant to feel like slavery, it is not meant to force us into relationships we don't want, but it does mean that we are to love.

     This is NOT easy. You WILL face opposition. There will be people that you can't stand, but we are supposed to LOVE them. There will be people that ridicule you for your faith and mock you for your standards. LOVE them. Your family may not understand it and make it hard for you. LOVE them.

Why?

     Because the rest of that verse says that ALL people will know that we are His disciples by our LOVE. That is a PROMISE. That love is not a "if you feel like it, love" or a "you're cute" kind of love. This love is HARD. The world will notice Christ and be intrigued by the Gospel, by how we carry out this love because it is RADICAL. And so was Jesus. And so we should be.

Just one chapter later in John 14, John is talking about how if we love the Lord we will keep His commandments. Loving the Lord will transform your attitude about His commandments.

Following God's law without a love for Him, will feel like slavery

but

following those commandments because you love Him, will bring freedom.

     Our actions should be an outpouring of our love for Christ and not just us trying to prove that we love Him. Once we understand this concept and try to actually love that way. We can start trademarking Christianity with love, in the world's eyes. In the aforementioned definition of trademark, two parts of it stuck out to me. Both a noun and verb definition. I think right now, we live in the noun part of trademark. Love is a distinctive characteristic of Jesus and it should also be of us, but how radical would Christianity be, if we carried it out in a verb format. What if we actually took the part of the definition that says trademarking is to identify (a habit, a quality, a way of life) as typical of someone and lived love that way? I think that we can do all three. Love can be a habit for us. A quality that people, both Christian and non-Christian, can easily identify as a part of us. Love can be a way of life for us. This agape love is not something that is typical of the world so when we take it on and when we live through the strength of Christ and His love, they will notice. They will see not only the character qualities of love in us, but they will see the action that flows out of that.

     I don't know if you've read Bob Goff's book Love Does, but if you haven't you should. The book is just full of stories from Bob's life when he was willing and open to God and when he said yes to loving in action. Some crazy things have happened simply because Bob understands what a lot of us don't, Love Does. It's that simple. Loving people because it is Christ who is loving through us. Bob also talks about how living this way is for God's glory and not for ours. When the verse says that all people we know we are His disciples because of our love, it does not mean that the world will say "oh look at how much good they are doing for others" they should be saying "wow. this love is not typical. I want to know why and who makes them love this way".

     My prayer in all of this is that the Lord will love through me. That my love for others will be so active and radical that it points them back to Christ. I want Christ's strength to make me weakness strong. I want to be solely reliant on Him. 

     My challenge for you is to pray the same. However, something that I am learning is to not be so surprised when He answers. When you ask big things, expect big answers. Even when they are in unexpected ways. When God answers, it will be hard and stretching. Some will be drawn to it and others will run. It is selfless and sacrificial so that means the enemy hates and he will do all he can to throw you off course, but stand strong and love well. We are promised that others will know Christ because of it and that will make all the hard times, worth it.

     So next time you have the opportunity love someone (Which won't be long after you've finished reading this) do it. It does not have to be loud or extravagant. You do not need to know greek words and long sermons to accomplish it. You simply love. Love through prayers through your friends, bold and specific ones. Love through prayers for your enemies and in prayers for your heart towards your enemies. Love through listening. Love through sharing scripture. Love as Christ loved, with His strength that He will give you. 

Simply love and it will make all the difference. 

An Open Letter to Hollywood and Girls Everywhere

Dear Hollywood,
     Congratulations. You've smartened up. Magazines and celebrities who use photoshop are being attacked for creating "unrealistic body image". Songs like Meghan Trainor's "All About That Bass" and Colbie Caillat's "Try" talk about just that. Positive body image is plastered across every billboard.  For that, I say thank you. However, let us not mistake acceptance as attack of the opposing and let us not mistake pornography as true beauty.

     Unless you live under a rock, you've seen that Kim Kardashian posed completely naked for "Paper" magazine. That in and of itself is a whole other issue for another post, however, there have been other things in the media over the past few months that have applauded women for things that are more hateful towards those who are not like you and less actually accepting people for who they are. Rihanna posed in a sheer dress a few months ago and she was applauded for her boldness. Beyonce posed in front of the word "feminist" in a skin tight body suit and everyone praised her for what she was doing for the modern woman. The Duggars wait until marriage to kiss and the whole world laughs.

     In my college career there have been so many movies that have come out about being world changers and rebelling against societal norms. The Hunger Games series, The Maze Runner, and Divergent are just a few. I'm not saying that these things are bad, I love all of those movies. However, they seem to prey on the desire that is within us to change the world. We are in a generation of people that believe that to be worth anything is to do or be someone extraordinary. With the internet making things viral in seconds we are living in an entirely different culture than we have faced before. The attack is now lessened on body image and is more on what you are actually doing. This is just as, if not more, damaging. This is a subtle attack. It's one that we've been missing for years, myself included.

     I am tired of subtle messages trying to make me feel inadequate. I am tired of the messages that try to make me feel like less of a woman for wanting to be a wife and mother. I am tired of girls wandering around with misplaced identities because being a Christian and knowing Jesus are equivalent to intolerance. Disagreement in beliefs is not always a judgement, but simply a disagreement. Who am I to judge? I am a sinner, saved by grace. Every breath, every movement, every word, every thought are examples of God's grace, not by things I have done, but by what HE has done for me.

     This letter is not to cast judgement on Hollywood. This is a letter of my heart's desire to see girls more than just survive. I've seen the hand of God work in my life too many times to keep quiet any longer. I don't want sheer dresses or skin tight body suits to be what makes me a woman worth respecting. I don't want to live in a society that screams equality, but ridicules you for disagreeing. Rick Warren said it best when he said, "Our culture has excepted two huge lies.The first is that if you disagree with someone's lifestyle, you must fear or hate them. Second is that to love someone means that you must agree with everything they believe or do. Both are nonsense. You don't have to compromise convictions to be compassionate".

     I truly believe that for me to best live out Christ in my life is to pour out His love. His love that is unconditional. His love that is full of compassion for a person, but not their lifestyle. Jesus was absolutely radical in the way He lived His life. He flipped tables in the temple. He saved a woman from being stoned by pointing out that they all had sin in their lives. He hung out with the outcasts and the hurting. He wasn't afraid to engage the culture without partaking in it. He held firm to Truth and had compassion on the people who did not know it.

     Hollywood, I am pleading with you to please stop. Stop making people feel inadequate for not having a world influence. Stop making everything about instant gratification. Stop equating feminism with man hating. Stop preaching acceptance and intolerance in the same breath. Stop and realize that the most effective world changers start with ripple effects. It is not those who pose nude for magazines or where clothes that leave little to the imagination. It starts, right where we are. In neighborhoods, in schools, in dorm rooms, and in relationships. Who people are and what they do has more influence than any movie or magazine. In a month, new rumors and new trailers will be release, but how I treat the people in my sphere of influence will last much longer.

     To any girls who are reading this and your heart longs to be a world changer. Know that I, too, have the same desire. I am sitting in my dorm room typing this letter to an imaginary "hollywood" figure because I have so much that I want the world to know. I have to stop myself often and remind myself that I will not fix anything on my own. I can write until my fingers cramp and my eyes droop shut, but unless we are mighty in prayer and walking with Jesus, it is all meaningless. I can write 1,000 books, but unless I am completely surrendered to Christ and His leading, it will not fulfill me. Do not believe the lie that to be worth anything you must do something or be someone extraordinary in the world's eyes. Know that you are so incredibly valuable that you were personally died for. God sent His only Son for you because He desperately wanted you to know His perfect love. You are famous in His eyes and He is relentlessly pursuing you! So the next time you start to believe that you need to compromise who you are to be loved or to be considered valuable, know that you already are. You are worth more than standing naked in front of the world. You are worth more than sex. Don't give yourself away to find value. Please know that Jesus adores you. He is utterly captivated by you. You are His Beloved Bride, His Warrior Princess. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. Let Jesus change the world by allowing Him to change you. Surrender fully and you'll be in for a wild ride, but it'll be the best thing you have ever done.

With all of my heart,
A simple girl, loved by an extraordinary God.

Mighty in Battle and New Travels

"Okay, God, I finished that book, what's next?"
"Joshua"
"No way, I've read that story so many times, I want to do something new and interesting."
"Joshua"
"C'mon. I know that story already, maybe something in the New Testament?"
"Joshua."
"Okay, fine. I'm not really sure I'll learn anything, but if you say so...."

This was the conversation that I found myself having with God last week. I will admit to you, this is not the best way to start your devotions. I repented later of my stubbornness because after the first chapter I knew that reading the book of Joshua would be radically different this time around. That's the thing that I love about the Bible though, it's always the same and yet it feels new each time the binding falls open to that same worn spot. I was reading in Joshua 3 and I read this verse,

"Since you have never traveled this way before, they will guide you.

Stay about a half mile behind them. Keeping a clear distance

between you and the ark. Make sure you don't come any closer".

I sat there and just stared at the verse, not entirely sure of why I was so drawn to it. I mean, this verse is just setting the stage for what the Israelites are supposed to do as they go to cross the Jordan river. I just kept reading "Since you have never traveled this way before" over and over and over again. It hit me all of the sudden and I said to myself "you dingbat. this is straight from God's lips to your ears for this season of life." To say that this semester has been hard, would be a massive understatement. It feels like every time I get some semblance of order in my life, the "bullies" come and knock my books out of my hands, only in this scene, no cute boy stops to help me pick up my things. It's just me, sitting in the mess, wondering why I keep picking things up, to get knocked down again. Long story short, I have never traveled this way before. The things that have been thrown my way are so far out of my league of experience, I feel like I'm stuck on some alien planet waiting to get home. That's when I read that verse, and my perspective began to change. God was saying to me, "My courageous princess. You are walking in a new season of life. In all of your efforts to see where I will take you, you have run ahead of me. You're getting hurt by things unnecessarily as you run. Trust me. Allow me to fight your battles. You are exhausting yourself fighting a battle that I have already won. Step behind me, allow me to protect you. Allow me to guide you. I will shield you from the attacks of the enemy of your soul. I am your warrior and protector. If you allow me to fight for you, there is nothing that can or will overtake you. It is my pleasure to go to war for you, beloved."

I felt a sigh of relief from my very soul release as I realized this truth. I am only overwhelmed because I am trying to handle these things in my time and in my strength. If I step behind Him, as He had the Israelites do as they crossed the Jordan, I will land safely on the other side of the shore. God is our trustworthy protector. He is so much greater than the world, He's overcome it! 

After reading all of this, I wrote this as my response to Him and I wanted to share it in hopes that someone else might be as encouraged as I was by this simple verse in Joshua and all the power that it really hold. Here it is:

"My protector,

I am ready for you to fight my battles for me. I am tired and sad and I am growing apathetic. I realize now that you alone are the one who can bring victory to my life. Please forgive me for using my words and actions as a weapon to hurt those who have hurt me. Thank you for allowing me to step behind you and let you lead the way and protect me from the world. Thank you for fighting for me. 

love,

your beloved who is ready to stand behind you"

Changes and heartbreaks

My heart is aching today. I feel like life has been speeding by at light speed and with that has come so much change. I usually handle change pretty well, new things excite me, but when the new comes before I'm ready to part with the old, I become unnerved. This school year is no exception.

This summer was nothing short of fantastic. It was easily one of the best summers of my life and I didn't even really do anything super exciting. I, along with many other Liberty students, was awaiting the list of convo speakers to be posted towards the end of the summer when Liberty dropped the first of many bombs on us. Our beloved Johnnie Moore had left us. I was really upset by this. It dulled some of my enthusiasm to return to school, but I was still hopeful for what was to come. When my parents dropped me off and I was instantly homesick, I knew this year would be very different. I had never been homesick before and it was weird that it happened my third year. It was a rough start for me, life was busier than it had ever been and a lot of things I loved I had to let go of because God was opening doors for greater things that I could not see. I was really unsettled that things were so different and both my passion for God and Liberty seemed to have faded. I was and still am fighting cynicism. There just seemed to be a lot of discouragement and spiritual warfare. That's when this picture popped on to my timeline and I have been clinging to the truth for a while now: 

                                    

Things started to look up and I was becoming more excited about God and school again, hints of the old me began to resurface, the me that was passionate for Jesus and His mission and I was excited. My relationship with God has grown infinitely deeper these past few weeks and I'm learning about how to follow Him in valleys because the past two years have been majority mountaintops and I guess you could say that was the second major change that I have has to adapt to.

The third, however, is one that was only announced on Monday, but it has rocked me more than the other two combined. It honestly shocked me to my core. Justin Kintzel stepped down as worship pastor. Mid semester. No goodbye. One day he was there and the next he wasn't. I had no idea how affected I would be by this, but now that I think about it, I'm not surprised. This was a man who was always in the eyes of the student body. One that we held in high esteem and looked forward to seeing. Not that this wasn't the case with Johnnie Moore, but with Justin it was different for me. This man stopped what he was doing one night after campus church my freshman year and prayed with me. I was going through a lot of stuff at this point during the semester and Justin saw a small and broken freshman girl crying and he stopped and prayed with her. Not only that, but when he saw me the next semester he remembered me and stopped to ask how I was doing. To this day, I don't think he knows how much that did for me. So Justin, if by some chance you are reading this, thank you. From the depths of my heart thank you. I have no other words. 

I won't say that all these changes, including seeing less of Clayton King (whose sermons were both used to call me into ministry and baptize me), haven't left me hurting and doubting the school that I once blindly loved and trusted. But I will say that my heart is aching more now for David Nasser than for my own hearts questions. I have seen so much hate directed towards this man over every social media possible. I have even read rumors of booing him tomorrow at convo. The very thought of this happening brings me to tears. There are so many things that are not okay with this. He is a child of God, just as we are, and this is now how the body of Christ should be treating each other. Also, we don't have all the facts and I understand and the anger and the doubt, trust me, I've wrestled with it in my own heart, but that does not mean it's ok to bash and hate him. Maybe this comes from me being the new kid on the block one too many times, but I am all to accustomed to the feeling of not fitting in. I know what it is to be ostracized and disliked just for being new and I'm sure many others do as well. David Nasser is facing those same things. He moved his whole family here and it is unfair of us to place all of this blame on him and not accept him into this family at Liberty. I'm not saying this is easy and I do need to practice what I preach, but I do know that Liberty is held in high esteem and will be closely watched throughout these changes. A friend recently said this to me "The Bible is a lamp to our feet, not a floodlight, more often then not we'll only see a few steps ahead of us". The hard thing is that we usually prefer to know the whole plan right away, the good part is that we will never be in the dark. Let's send off Johnnie and Justin in a way that will make them proud. Let's shine the light of Jesus and make much of him because regardless of us the Gospel will be preached. Be cautious in what you post on social media and be mighty in prayer. Let us all as a student body lift up these great men of God before the throne. Regardless, our God is still great and constant and it's not ok for our doubts and fears to overcome that truth. 

Comparison of Self is the Thief of Joy.

"Comparison is the thief of joy". I'm sure you've heard this quote. I know that I've heard this a bajillion times. Especially for girls, we are always told that comparing ourselves to others is not what God wants because He finds us all uniquely beautiful. This is very true and something I am passionate about girls understanding. However, I have been taught a much harsher truth in the past two weeks at Liberty. Comparison of self is the thief of joy.

I've written before that "if you had told me a year ago that I would be where I am today, I would say that you are nuts" and I'm sure I'll write it again. I've always been one who has appreciated milestones and what God has taught me with each new year that is brought in. However, in doing that this year, as I begin my Junior (I know! Crazy!) year at college, I found myself disappointed. Disappointed at my lack of Faith in God's timing. Disappointed at my lack of passion for Him and His unbelievable love. I found myself sinking deeper into this hole, the more I looked at timehop, I wished that this year resembled last year. Wishing that the Becky from a year ago would come back with her new found passion for God and the calling that He had placed on her life. I found myself not wanting to spend time with God and stressing more and more about this school year and thinking less and less about Him. I was homesick, which is a first for me. I love Liberty. I do. But I was missing the passion and the desire that I've had for pursuing things of Christ.

Then on Sunday, I realized that I was robbing myself of the potential joy of this year, by wishing that it was last year. I was comparing the Becky of last year with the one of this year. As good as it was last year, this year will only be better. It will be better because He is still God and He is always good. It will be better because I will know Him better. Last year was full of newness and uncertainty. I was baptized last year and truly found joy in my salvation for the first time. I was called into full-time Christian ministry last year, which was exciting and full of divine confusion. I was full of new passion and love. Now I know that we are supposed to find joy in our salvation always, but we are human and we are fallen. Life gets in the way, stresses and sin hinder that joy and our acceptance of Grace. The "newness" wears off and we become content. I am probably one of the worst offenders in this case. Now, before anyone who is reading this (MOM) thinks that I am depressed, allow me to inform you, that I am not. It's been a journey and still is a journey, but I learned something cool and just have to explain my thought process on how I got here. I walked into this year expecting it to start with the same passion that last year did. But it didn't and I was confused and sad. That's when God reminded me that I had learned A LOT about Him last year. From Character qualities that He has, to trusting in something unseen and knowing that it was better than any certainty that I could find. It was an adrenaline rush. And then the adrenaline faded away and I was left wondering how to get it back again.

I was reminded by God that learning a new concept is always fun. I love learning new things, meeting new people, ect... However, I always struggle with the follow through. I get excited about an idea or a new person, but never really make it past the "newness" of it. The same goes for now. God revealed a lot about himself and the plans for my future last year. Now, I have to learn about it. I have to dig deep and discover what all that new, means for my life. The excitement for the future is there, but there isn't as much excitement for the now. I've been robbing myself of that. I've been placing my worth in things that God has given me and I didn't even know it. I placed my worth in my actual excitement and not the one who inspired it. I put my worth in leadership and not the one who gave me that opportunity. When all that fell away and it was only me and Jesus. I felt lost and I thought I was depressed. I was hardly reading my Bible or praying or doing anything to nourish my relationship with God. Literally a day after I realized that and started, God revealed all of this to me. I'm not saying that it was the magic formula for discovering this, God was just waiting for me to come home. I won't have some grand revelation every devotional time, but I will walk closely with my Jesus as I discover things that I know and don't know about him and how that should radically change my life. I'm super excited for that.