Unapologetically You.

"Wisdom in wise counsel"

That's a phrase that has given me more gray hairs then any almost 21-year-old should have. For me, that phrase says, "Ask every single person that you respect what you should do and then take all the advice they give you and merge it somehow so that no one gets upset that you didn't take their advice". 

I realize now that I sound clinical and should probably get some help....

anyways....this is a battle that I have had to fight for a very long time. A battle that has warred in my mind for so long that any decision I have to make outside of dinner plans has me turned into a vibrating ball of anxiety. So naturally, I've been handling decisions in college super well....Coming home to finish school has brought on a whole new onslaught of decisions and a new group of people who love me far more than I deserve who have so much wisdom that I honestly get overwhelmed. 

I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted and my own mind has drowned out the still, small voice that has guided me this far. The one person that has been constant in all the chaos. The unifier of my passions and my calling. The creator and lover of my soul. The knower of my future. The giver of wisdom. The Prince of Peace. My eternal love. My Savior. 

Today, He shouted a little bit louder and I heard Him. I heard Him ask me to be unapologetically me. To take what He has given me and what He has blessed me with and where He has led me and live it unapologetically. The wise counsel He has surrounded me with is just that, counsel. Which by definition means, "advice, especially given formally". And just to break that down a little further, Advice means, "guidance or recommendations concerning prudent future action. typically given by someone considered knowledgable and authoritative". 

I have been surrounded by some great advice and counsel by wise people who have guided me with grace and humility and love. However, as much as I love those people and how much I value them and will continue to seek their advice, they are not God. The large unknown that is my future is just as unknown to them. They have the same facts I do. They face the same sin I do. They face the same weakness I do. They are fallen people. Just. Like. Me.

The people pleasing part of me struggles with making decisions because I've had different advice from different people and I want them all to be proud of me. This battle, is all in my mind. They are proud of me for following Christ and their only mission is to guide those efforts. Friends, know this, wise counsel is good, but it is not wise and it is not counsel if those people make you feel like less of a person or not as valuable to them if you don't take every piece of advice they offer you. If that is what they are doing they stop becoming sources of wise counsel and become "me-monsters" with a "god complex" who want to place their brand of success on you. 

You can be loving and unapologetic. You can listen to wise counsel and value the people around you and be bold in your calling. You are built to please an audience of one, and that's already done. You are beloved. You are cherished. You are powerful. You matter. 

Boldly. Passionately. Lovingly. Unapologetically. 

Follow Christ. 

Beautifully Broken. Childlike Faith.

“Why does your dad live at your house?”

I thought I was ready for this week. I thought that I had prepared myself for some of the heartbreak and brokenness that would be a part of this week. I thought I was ready.

I wasn’t ready for that. I wasn’t ready for that question that wrecked me. I wasn’t ready for the tears that seemed to swallow up any answer that I could have. I wasn’t ready for a four year old to look up at me with innocent brown eyes and ask me why my life situation was outside of her normal. How could I be?

I live in suburban CT. My parents are sickeningly in love with each other. I have two siblings a dog, a cat, and my own car. I didn’t even have a rough childhood. My parents are Christians and I have grown up hearing and knowing about Jesus. My dad dearly loves me and I have known about my Heavenly Father my whole life. How could I be ready for this sweet face that didn’t know that Dads are supposed to live in your house and that they are supposed to love you?

I also wasn’t ready for the way her sweet face lit up when she told me that she had learned about her heavenly father at VBS and that she decided that when she prayed she would start calling Him daddy. My faith has been challenged this week so much, but never more than in this moment. The innocence of child-like faith is astounding. It breathes new life into the verse:

“And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 18:2-4 ESV)

When is the last time I had that faith? That love for the Lord? When was the last time I went before Him as my Dad who loves me, who created me, who knows me? I’m praying that it’s more often after this week. I’m praying that every time I start to forget and start to get unhappy with the abundant blessings in my life, this sweet face with big brown eyes will wash over my mind and I’ll be brought to my knees in humility. I’m praying that I will continue to know Him intimately and I’m praying for this sweet girl. I’m praying that she will grow in her love for the Lord and that she never loses that sweetness and innocence. I’m praying that each and every day for the rest of her life she calls Him Daddy. I pray that she knows that she is wholly and perfectly loved. I pray that she knows that no matter what, she has value and she has worth and that she is died for. I pray that it gets written on her bones and that she never lets anyone tell her otherwise. Her name is Rihana, will you pray too?

When the Will of God is the Hardest Thing To Do

I'm just going to give it to you straight because I don't like hiding real emotions and real struggles. It's exhausting.

Sometimes, following the will of God is the hardest thing you will ever do. There will not be peace that passes all understanding. It will not be all happiness and butterflies and all things good in the world. Sometimes, abiding in the Lord and doing what He asks requires great sacrifice. It requires hard goodbyes and abrupt changes of your plans. Sometimes it makes your heart heavy and when you think you've cried enough tears, more will come.

I don't want to tell you all of this because I want to discourage you. I want to tell you all of this because it is the season that I am currently in. I'm going home to finish school. The Lord has lined up so many amazing opportunities for me and I am honestly excited for what the next semester holds and where He will take me. However, none of that makes right now easy. None of that makes the friends and the ideas that I had for what senior would hold any easier to say goodbye to. What I do know is that the Lord is good and His intentions toward me are always good. I may not have a whole lot of peace right now, but I do have a lot of rest in knowing that my God will not lead me astray. I do know that what the future holds will not be 100% easy, but following God will be 100% good. 

On Monday night as I was reading my Bible and honestly just crying and I came across Proverbs 16:9 which reads:

The heart of a man plans His way

but the Lord establishes His steps

Friends, since Monday night, this verse has popped up in my life TWELVE TIMES! Y'all, in case you missed that, I heard the same verse 12 times in the course of 72 hours!! Our God is faithful to work in the hardest of times and He is faithful to confirm what He is asking us to do. We are not Him. We cannot see what's next, nor do we know what it holds, but we KNOW Him!! 

I can honestly say that looking back on my time at Liberty, the Lord has been preparing me for this change of plans, I just didn't know it until this week. Freshman year, He tore down every idol that I had in my life and He drew me unto Him. Sophomore Year, He taught me that I need to be willing to actually step out of my boat and walk in the water with Him, not just dangle my foot over the water. I was also called into ministry during this year and that was certainly not in my 10 year plan. Last semester I learned to let go and follow after Him into unknown territory. This semester, I have learned that loving people is the most valuable thing that I can do and to love them well. To love in big and small ways. To love in ways that causes sacrifice and rebuilding. To love as Christ loved. To make the first move because He made the first move. All of these lessons and all of these things that I have gone through were beautifully and perfectly orchestrated for a moment that God new was coming before the foundations of the Earth. This moment is also not the end of that, it is just another lesson and another moment that will carry me through to the next lesson or the next change. 

A friend said something to me last night that I will never ever forget. He said "God did not promise Liberty to you, He promised to use you for His glory. Liberty was not meant for your completion, it's just a chapter in your story". I'm not going to say anything else about this. I'm just going to let it be with all the goodness that it is.

Friends, I want to encourage you. I want to encourage you to pursue Christ and to do what He asks. I can tell you from current experiences and current struggles that it is not going to be easy always. There have been times where God has asked me to do something and it has been so exciting and good that I have done it with whole-hearted joy. And then there is now. Right now, I am excited for what comes next and for the things that wait for me at home. I am excited that the dream I have had of going home and doing ministry there is coming true much earlier than anticipated. I am excited to be with my family who I love dearly and I miss whole-heartedly. I am excited for the classes that I'll get to take online. But also, I am sad. I am sad because I'm leaving my best friends. I am leaving the ministries that I have loved serving in. I am leaving a place that I love. I am leaving classes that I love. I am leaving a place that has so radically changed my life. But I know that any loss that comes for the cause of Christ, much greater gain lies ahead. 

While I still have finals and more goodbyes to go, I know that my God is good and that where He is taking me next will be better than any plans I had for senior year. It's hard to say goodbye to dreams that I had and I'm learning that it's ok to grieve the loss, but what it cannot do is shake my faith that my God is good and that He who calls is faithful. 

This song has been on repeat. For much longer than the news of leaving has been on my heart, but it's  fantastic in it's message and it's truth. "I found my life when I laid it down". Laying down our lives will not be easy. Rebellion is written on our bones, but if we strive for it and if we do it, we will find our life. It's hard, but it's beautiful.

Criticism and Consumerism: The Churches Fatal Flaws

Critical comments drive me insane. Like, I cannot stand it when people follow some shallow compliment with a “….but,” and then go on a rant of displeasure that far exceeds the compliment that they just half-heartedly gave. We live in a world of critics and people pointing fingers and casting blame. I have been there with the best of them, but I know that recently, my heart has been more attune to notice criticism in my own life and try to find the positive in situations that are far from pleasant. I have not been perfect at it and the battles are many. However, I feel like the issue needs to be addressed.

I’ve noticed a trend at Liberty. We spend so much time entrenched in doctrine and teaching that is good for us, but as C.S. Lewis puts it, “One of the things Christians are disagreed about is the importance of their disagreements”. A majority of the students here will be in agreement over how a person is saved or the inerrancy, infallibility, and inspiration of Scripture. We will talk until the sun comes up about grace and mercy and how wonderful and scandalous the love of Jesus is, but we will talk more about predestination or free will. We will talk and argue about a literal or spiritual rapture and things that are OK to debate, but not OK to stake our beliefs on. Things that do not and will not change the message of the Gospel and things that do not and will not change the fact that we are ONE body UNIFIED in Christ.

I’ve noticed a lot of people, myself included, discrediting people because we don’t agree with these “outlier” issues. We are telling other members of the Body of Christ that they are not good enough for “our body”, but that they should try out the “body down the street” because they are more likeminded. It is unbiblical to behave this way. It causes separation where God meant unity. Church is not a club. Grace is not exclusive. All we need is the Gospel. We forget sometimes that that is where we started. I do it. We need not be so quick to forget that we were not a neat and clean package full of deep theology when grace found us. We were, and still are, a mess, a mess that is covered by grace and seen as beautiful through Christ and His sacrifice, but a mess nonetheless.

I believe that this issue of criticism is rooted in our consumerist behavior. Church has become a place where we go to benefit us. If a preacher teaches or speaks in a way that we don’t “learn best from” we walk away saying that we didn’t “get anything” from the service neglecting the fact we just experienced one of God’s greatest blessings, the Body of Christ. If the worship pastor didn’t play our “favorite” song that morning, we walk away feeling dissatisfied with the entire service. I know that is my biggest struggle. I love music and I love worship so if I feel something is missing, my entire attitude about the service shifts.

When did church become a self-serving activity and not an act of worship? When did it become about what was good or bad for us and not about what the Lord had for us? And how do we get it back to its purpose?

Something that has been taught to me here and something that I think I overlooked a lot of the time is that we simply need to preach the Gospel to ourselves everyday. We need to remind ourselves where we came from and what God saved us from. Not to shame us into some skewed guilt-ridden humility, but to bring us back down to the foot of the cross. I’m not saying that this will fix all of the issues that I mentioned and I’m not saying that it’s the answer to everything, but I do think that it will bring humility to look at people with a more open mind. Not to compromise our beliefs, but to see them as Christ sees them and to love them as Christ loved them. Preaching the Gospel will remind us of the grace that we encountered and the mess that we were carried out of. It will remind us that we are dependent on Christ. It will bring humility that is not driven by shame and guilt, but humility that is driven by the appreciation of receiving a gift that we did not deserve. 

Authentic Love: Loving in Action, Living in Love

     You know that the small "TM" that appears next to the things that are trademarked? I never understood what it really meant, so I googled it. This is what I found:

Trademark (n): 

a symbol word or words legally registered

or established by use as representing a company or product

a distinctive characteristic or an object

Trademarked (v):

provide with a trademark

identify (a habit, quality, or way of life) as

typical of someone

     As I was beginning to write this entry in my journal, I felt the Lord prompt me to look up this definition and so I did and as soon as I read it this phrase popped into my head:

"Love should be the trademark of the Christian"

     The topic of loving others and loving in action has been popping up everywhere that I go. I've been asking the Lord over and over again "OK---What do you want me to do with this?". Everytime that I started to ask this I was overwhelmed with this feeling of a call to action. I had no idea what to do with it all, and so I just kept asking and seeking and trying to discover what God was asking me to do. 

     Then the verse that talks about how people will know we are Christians by our love, or maybe it's a song based off a verse, either way, I once again took to google and that's when I saw John 13:34-35. "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples if you have love for one another". I knew that this was my call to action.

     Now I don't know much of the greek language, but I do know that the concept of love has many different meanings in greek and that the fact that this verse mentioned love so many times probably warranted some research. This love, that we are supposed to be trademarked by, is agape love. Agape love is a sacrificial love. It's the love that God demonstrated for us when He sent His Son to die on our behalf. It is selfless. It is sacrificial. It is HARD.

     Agape love is an act of will, a decision, a commitment. We are commanded to love one another, as Christ loved us. This standard that is set for us is a high one and not one that can even be done in our own strength. Our emotions are too fleeting to rely on them to carry out this heavy commandment. This command is not meant to feel like slavery, it is not meant to force us into relationships we don't want, but it does mean that we are to love.

     This is NOT easy. You WILL face opposition. There will be people that you can't stand, but we are supposed to LOVE them. There will be people that ridicule you for your faith and mock you for your standards. LOVE them. Your family may not understand it and make it hard for you. LOVE them.

Why?

     Because the rest of that verse says that ALL people will know that we are His disciples by our LOVE. That is a PROMISE. That love is not a "if you feel like it, love" or a "you're cute" kind of love. This love is HARD. The world will notice Christ and be intrigued by the Gospel, by how we carry out this love because it is RADICAL. And so was Jesus. And so we should be.

Just one chapter later in John 14, John is talking about how if we love the Lord we will keep His commandments. Loving the Lord will transform your attitude about His commandments.

Following God's law without a love for Him, will feel like slavery

but

following those commandments because you love Him, will bring freedom.

     Our actions should be an outpouring of our love for Christ and not just us trying to prove that we love Him. Once we understand this concept and try to actually love that way. We can start trademarking Christianity with love, in the world's eyes. In the aforementioned definition of trademark, two parts of it stuck out to me. Both a noun and verb definition. I think right now, we live in the noun part of trademark. Love is a distinctive characteristic of Jesus and it should also be of us, but how radical would Christianity be, if we carried it out in a verb format. What if we actually took the part of the definition that says trademarking is to identify (a habit, a quality, a way of life) as typical of someone and lived love that way? I think that we can do all three. Love can be a habit for us. A quality that people, both Christian and non-Christian, can easily identify as a part of us. Love can be a way of life for us. This agape love is not something that is typical of the world so when we take it on and when we live through the strength of Christ and His love, they will notice. They will see not only the character qualities of love in us, but they will see the action that flows out of that.

     I don't know if you've read Bob Goff's book Love Does, but if you haven't you should. The book is just full of stories from Bob's life when he was willing and open to God and when he said yes to loving in action. Some crazy things have happened simply because Bob understands what a lot of us don't, Love Does. It's that simple. Loving people because it is Christ who is loving through us. Bob also talks about how living this way is for God's glory and not for ours. When the verse says that all people we know we are His disciples because of our love, it does not mean that the world will say "oh look at how much good they are doing for others" they should be saying "wow. this love is not typical. I want to know why and who makes them love this way".

     My prayer in all of this is that the Lord will love through me. That my love for others will be so active and radical that it points them back to Christ. I want Christ's strength to make me weakness strong. I want to be solely reliant on Him. 

     My challenge for you is to pray the same. However, something that I am learning is to not be so surprised when He answers. When you ask big things, expect big answers. Even when they are in unexpected ways. When God answers, it will be hard and stretching. Some will be drawn to it and others will run. It is selfless and sacrificial so that means the enemy hates and he will do all he can to throw you off course, but stand strong and love well. We are promised that others will know Christ because of it and that will make all the hard times, worth it.

     So next time you have the opportunity love someone (Which won't be long after you've finished reading this) do it. It does not have to be loud or extravagant. You do not need to know greek words and long sermons to accomplish it. You simply love. Love through prayers through your friends, bold and specific ones. Love through prayers for your enemies and in prayers for your heart towards your enemies. Love through listening. Love through sharing scripture. Love as Christ loved, with His strength that He will give you. 

Simply love and it will make all the difference. 

An Open Letter to Hollywood and Girls Everywhere

Dear Hollywood,
     Congratulations. You've smartened up. Magazines and celebrities who use photoshop are being attacked for creating "unrealistic body image". Songs like Meghan Trainor's "All About That Bass" and Colbie Caillat's "Try" talk about just that. Positive body image is plastered across every billboard.  For that, I say thank you. However, let us not mistake acceptance as attack of the opposing and let us not mistake pornography as true beauty.

     Unless you live under a rock, you've seen that Kim Kardashian posed completely naked for "Paper" magazine. That in and of itself is a whole other issue for another post, however, there have been other things in the media over the past few months that have applauded women for things that are more hateful towards those who are not like you and less actually accepting people for who they are. Rihanna posed in a sheer dress a few months ago and she was applauded for her boldness. Beyonce posed in front of the word "feminist" in a skin tight body suit and everyone praised her for what she was doing for the modern woman. The Duggars wait until marriage to kiss and the whole world laughs.

     In my college career there have been so many movies that have come out about being world changers and rebelling against societal norms. The Hunger Games series, The Maze Runner, and Divergent are just a few. I'm not saying that these things are bad, I love all of those movies. However, they seem to prey on the desire that is within us to change the world. We are in a generation of people that believe that to be worth anything is to do or be someone extraordinary. With the internet making things viral in seconds we are living in an entirely different culture than we have faced before. The attack is now lessened on body image and is more on what you are actually doing. This is just as, if not more, damaging. This is a subtle attack. It's one that we've been missing for years, myself included.

     I am tired of subtle messages trying to make me feel inadequate. I am tired of the messages that try to make me feel like less of a woman for wanting to be a wife and mother. I am tired of girls wandering around with misplaced identities because being a Christian and knowing Jesus are equivalent to intolerance. Disagreement in beliefs is not always a judgement, but simply a disagreement. Who am I to judge? I am a sinner, saved by grace. Every breath, every movement, every word, every thought are examples of God's grace, not by things I have done, but by what HE has done for me.

     This letter is not to cast judgement on Hollywood. This is a letter of my heart's desire to see girls more than just survive. I've seen the hand of God work in my life too many times to keep quiet any longer. I don't want sheer dresses or skin tight body suits to be what makes me a woman worth respecting. I don't want to live in a society that screams equality, but ridicules you for disagreeing. Rick Warren said it best when he said, "Our culture has excepted two huge lies.The first is that if you disagree with someone's lifestyle, you must fear or hate them. Second is that to love someone means that you must agree with everything they believe or do. Both are nonsense. You don't have to compromise convictions to be compassionate".

     I truly believe that for me to best live out Christ in my life is to pour out His love. His love that is unconditional. His love that is full of compassion for a person, but not their lifestyle. Jesus was absolutely radical in the way He lived His life. He flipped tables in the temple. He saved a woman from being stoned by pointing out that they all had sin in their lives. He hung out with the outcasts and the hurting. He wasn't afraid to engage the culture without partaking in it. He held firm to Truth and had compassion on the people who did not know it.

     Hollywood, I am pleading with you to please stop. Stop making people feel inadequate for not having a world influence. Stop making everything about instant gratification. Stop equating feminism with man hating. Stop preaching acceptance and intolerance in the same breath. Stop and realize that the most effective world changers start with ripple effects. It is not those who pose nude for magazines or where clothes that leave little to the imagination. It starts, right where we are. In neighborhoods, in schools, in dorm rooms, and in relationships. Who people are and what they do has more influence than any movie or magazine. In a month, new rumors and new trailers will be release, but how I treat the people in my sphere of influence will last much longer.

     To any girls who are reading this and your heart longs to be a world changer. Know that I, too, have the same desire. I am sitting in my dorm room typing this letter to an imaginary "hollywood" figure because I have so much that I want the world to know. I have to stop myself often and remind myself that I will not fix anything on my own. I can write until my fingers cramp and my eyes droop shut, but unless we are mighty in prayer and walking with Jesus, it is all meaningless. I can write 1,000 books, but unless I am completely surrendered to Christ and His leading, it will not fulfill me. Do not believe the lie that to be worth anything you must do something or be someone extraordinary in the world's eyes. Know that you are so incredibly valuable that you were personally died for. God sent His only Son for you because He desperately wanted you to know His perfect love. You are famous in His eyes and He is relentlessly pursuing you! So the next time you start to believe that you need to compromise who you are to be loved or to be considered valuable, know that you already are. You are worth more than standing naked in front of the world. You are worth more than sex. Don't give yourself away to find value. Please know that Jesus adores you. He is utterly captivated by you. You are His Beloved Bride, His Warrior Princess. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. Let Jesus change the world by allowing Him to change you. Surrender fully and you'll be in for a wild ride, but it'll be the best thing you have ever done.

With all of my heart,
A simple girl, loved by an extraordinary God.

Mighty in Battle and New Travels

"Okay, God, I finished that book, what's next?"
"Joshua"
"No way, I've read that story so many times, I want to do something new and interesting."
"Joshua"
"C'mon. I know that story already, maybe something in the New Testament?"
"Joshua."
"Okay, fine. I'm not really sure I'll learn anything, but if you say so...."

This was the conversation that I found myself having with God last week. I will admit to you, this is not the best way to start your devotions. I repented later of my stubbornness because after the first chapter I knew that reading the book of Joshua would be radically different this time around. That's the thing that I love about the Bible though, it's always the same and yet it feels new each time the binding falls open to that same worn spot. I was reading in Joshua 3 and I read this verse,

"Since you have never traveled this way before, they will guide you.

Stay about a half mile behind them. Keeping a clear distance

between you and the ark. Make sure you don't come any closer".

I sat there and just stared at the verse, not entirely sure of why I was so drawn to it. I mean, this verse is just setting the stage for what the Israelites are supposed to do as they go to cross the Jordan river. I just kept reading "Since you have never traveled this way before" over and over and over again. It hit me all of the sudden and I said to myself "you dingbat. this is straight from God's lips to your ears for this season of life." To say that this semester has been hard, would be a massive understatement. It feels like every time I get some semblance of order in my life, the "bullies" come and knock my books out of my hands, only in this scene, no cute boy stops to help me pick up my things. It's just me, sitting in the mess, wondering why I keep picking things up, to get knocked down again. Long story short, I have never traveled this way before. The things that have been thrown my way are so far out of my league of experience, I feel like I'm stuck on some alien planet waiting to get home. That's when I read that verse, and my perspective began to change. God was saying to me, "My courageous princess. You are walking in a new season of life. In all of your efforts to see where I will take you, you have run ahead of me. You're getting hurt by things unnecessarily as you run. Trust me. Allow me to fight your battles. You are exhausting yourself fighting a battle that I have already won. Step behind me, allow me to protect you. Allow me to guide you. I will shield you from the attacks of the enemy of your soul. I am your warrior and protector. If you allow me to fight for you, there is nothing that can or will overtake you. It is my pleasure to go to war for you, beloved."

I felt a sigh of relief from my very soul release as I realized this truth. I am only overwhelmed because I am trying to handle these things in my time and in my strength. If I step behind Him, as He had the Israelites do as they crossed the Jordan, I will land safely on the other side of the shore. God is our trustworthy protector. He is so much greater than the world, He's overcome it! 

After reading all of this, I wrote this as my response to Him and I wanted to share it in hopes that someone else might be as encouraged as I was by this simple verse in Joshua and all the power that it really hold. Here it is:

"My protector,

I am ready for you to fight my battles for me. I am tired and sad and I am growing apathetic. I realize now that you alone are the one who can bring victory to my life. Please forgive me for using my words and actions as a weapon to hurt those who have hurt me. Thank you for allowing me to step behind you and let you lead the way and protect me from the world. Thank you for fighting for me. 

love,

your beloved who is ready to stand behind you"