Today, I sat in my car, stared at my place of employment and I cried. I cried for 20 minutes of my 30 minute break because I felt like a complete and utter failure. Not because I didn't do my job well, not because I made a mistake, not because of anything that had to do with my actual job. Today, I felt like a failure because someone didn't like me. I felt like a failure because I am a people-pleaser plagued with anxiety and I failed because someone didn't like. I failed because my anxiety about people liking caused me to spiral into a flustered mess that led me to crying alone in my car.
So this is it. My confessions of an anxiety-filled people pleaser. Because maybe if more people talked about the harshness of people pleasing, we could all help each other think healthier. So maybe you need to read this too or you think I need to be committed, but either way, I need to write it if I'm going to get some sleep.
1. I will always assume that people don't like me.
2. I will always think that I am annoying or clingy and will retreat to myself to avoid that.
3. I love meeting new people, but I am bad at getting to know them.
4. I love going out and being social, but small talk makes me so anxious that I avoid it.
5. I will make myself sick thinking about people who don't like me.
6. I will obsess about fixing it or understanding it if people don't like me.
7. I am more apt to believe the negative things people say about me over the good things.
8. I will remember the bad things, much longer than the good things and I will make it my identity if I live up to it even once.
9. I second guess and triple guess everything. From text messages to conversations. I will relive and try to imagine what people are thinking about me. I'll assume negatively.
10. I am sick to death of feeling this way.
So this is what I wrote in my journal weeks ago, and every time I start to feel like a failure I read it again because it reminds me of who I am.
Though my words be few and my heart is heavy---though confusion and despair war in my soul---when failure threatens to consume me---I am reminded that I am the beloved bride of Christ. My value is not in my strength. What I accomplish has no bearing on His love for me. No grade, degree, or opinion has the power to write my story. He already wrote it.
So instead, I have this list:
1. I am beloved
2. I am Cherished
3. I am precious
4. I have value
5. I am worth it
6. I am loved
7. I belong
8. I am enough
9. I am not my shortcomings
10. I am not stupid or a failure
I am His and I am wholly loved. I have an amazing family and friends.
People pleasing is an exhausting, self-built prison that keeps the person trapped inside while they hold the key. It's not easy to let things slide off your back and people telling you to do that doesn't help. What does help is have a list of truths ready to counteract the thoughts before they spiral. Don't let anxiety keep you from meeting new people and showing them Jesus. Be honest. Be you. Be real.
People who matter will see it, value it, and love you for it.
And to my friends who see my crazy and love it, I am more thankful than you know and my journal is filled with your names to remind me of who matters and what matters.
So there it is. The confessions of a people pleaser. Hope it helps.
