I've written before that "if you had told me a year ago that I would be where I am today, I would say that you are nuts" and I'm sure I'll write it again. I've always been one who has appreciated milestones and what God has taught me with each new year that is brought in. However, in doing that this year, as I begin my Junior (I know! Crazy!) year at college, I found myself disappointed. Disappointed at my lack of Faith in God's timing. Disappointed at my lack of passion for Him and His unbelievable love. I found myself sinking deeper into this hole, the more I looked at timehop, I wished that this year resembled last year. Wishing that the Becky from a year ago would come back with her new found passion for God and the calling that He had placed on her life. I found myself not wanting to spend time with God and stressing more and more about this school year and thinking less and less about Him. I was homesick, which is a first for me. I love Liberty. I do. But I was missing the passion and the desire that I've had for pursuing things of Christ.
Then on Sunday, I realized that I was robbing myself of the potential joy of this year, by wishing that it was last year. I was comparing the Becky of last year with the one of this year. As good as it was last year, this year will only be better. It will be better because He is still God and He is always good. It will be better because I will know Him better. Last year was full of newness and uncertainty. I was baptized last year and truly found joy in my salvation for the first time. I was called into full-time Christian ministry last year, which was exciting and full of divine confusion. I was full of new passion and love. Now I know that we are supposed to find joy in our salvation always, but we are human and we are fallen. Life gets in the way, stresses and sin hinder that joy and our acceptance of Grace. The "newness" wears off and we become content. I am probably one of the worst offenders in this case. Now, before anyone who is reading this (MOM) thinks that I am depressed, allow me to inform you, that I am not. It's been a journey and still is a journey, but I learned something cool and just have to explain my thought process on how I got here. I walked into this year expecting it to start with the same passion that last year did. But it didn't and I was confused and sad. That's when God reminded me that I had learned A LOT about Him last year. From Character qualities that He has, to trusting in something unseen and knowing that it was better than any certainty that I could find. It was an adrenaline rush. And then the adrenaline faded away and I was left wondering how to get it back again.
I was reminded by God that learning a new concept is always fun. I love learning new things, meeting new people, ect... However, I always struggle with the follow through. I get excited about an idea or a new person, but never really make it past the "newness" of it. The same goes for now. God revealed a lot about himself and the plans for my future last year. Now, I have to learn about it. I have to dig deep and discover what all that new, means for my life. The excitement for the future is there, but there isn't as much excitement for the now. I've been robbing myself of that. I've been placing my worth in things that God has given me and I didn't even know it. I placed my worth in my actual excitement and not the one who inspired it. I put my worth in leadership and not the one who gave me that opportunity. When all that fell away and it was only me and Jesus. I felt lost and I thought I was depressed. I was hardly reading my Bible or praying or doing anything to nourish my relationship with God. Literally a day after I realized that and started, God revealed all of this to me. I'm not saying that it was the magic formula for discovering this, God was just waiting for me to come home. I won't have some grand revelation every devotional time, but I will walk closely with my Jesus as I discover things that I know and don't know about him and how that should radically change my life. I'm super excited for that.
